Occasionally I still toy with this idea that some people take the picture and some people live the frame. Deeds was actually the first one to bring it to my cognitive attention; the idea had come up because my actions had changed. In college I was much more into capturing “the moment” and now I am much more interested in living through it. So, my lens has changed from that of an observer (of my environment) to that of a participant which I much prefer.
In class I read a piece that spoke of generative metaphors and how through story telling and reframing we could alter perspective. For example, if you come to me and say, “I hate the way this dress looks on me, I’m so fat.” I can reframe the problem (problem setting) and say in response, “That style is not the most flattering cut, but I bet you would look amazing in an a-line!” In the original problem the issue was with your body, in my reframe the issue was with the dress. Subtle, but it makes a world of difference especially for someone who is learning not to take things so personally. For me, when I read the article it made me extremely anxious because reframing requires an immense amount of moral and ethical trust in your leader (who presumably is problem-setting). Imagine the inverse; Germany sought to be a world power and looked for leadership who would increase their world authority, Adolf Hitler reframed the problem as an issue of being held back by the weak-links of German society calling for genocide of hundreds of thousands of people. It can be a slippery slope.
What I gathered from the two things is that, the lens we use to see the world, our perspective/view/vantage point says a lot. If I constantly see everyone from the \/ (looking up) it must mean they are above me and I am beneath. If I am always an observer then I am never seen (and coincidentally–well really not really) there are many instances where I have captured full nights of events and I am not in one single shot. The truth was, I did not want to be seen. As you may well know, I still don’t care for it too much. I make strides though, I signed up for another 5k and after paying the fee I see that it is some kind of running club half marathon qualifying race and people take it pretty seriously. My first thought was “I’m going to finish last and everyone is going to see.” My next thought was a fragment of the first, “I’m going to finish.” I have been working to only focus on that latter thought.
Isn’t it curious that who I am today are the results of the decisions I made yesterday? I can easily and without a doubt say that the older I’ve gotten the less of a damn I’ve given. Not in an apathetic way, but my values became crystal clear and they are not in the things I treasured. They are not even in the people that I treasured. I had dinner with Twin and she and I had one of those epic deep conversations. I always enjoy them, they are definitely my preference; intimacy is where my value is. Anyway what I realized from that is if I don’t feel that I can have that with a person then it is very difficult for me to invest in them. And usually, because of the circus freak that I am, I can tell who those people are almost immediately. I say that in jest, I actually am very increasingly grateful for my gifts and God is going to use me to change the world because of them. I am certain.
I was walking to class with CR yesterday telling him about P2AD and he asked me “Do you want to be with him?” I’m always hesitant when people ask me that because I do not have an answer. So I always say, “I used to.” Which is true, at some point I did. My friend Megs’ facebook status began with the words, “Why judge someone from their past? They don’t live there anymore. ” All we really have is right now. Right now I do not want to be with him or anyone else. Albi and her boyfriend took a hiatus and she and I were talking about it. We agreed that long distance relationships really pull you in two directions because your heart is not allowed to be fully present. I told her how free I felt once I broke up with Deeds and how I no longer felt tied to my phone or my computer and I was looking UP when I walked. It just felt better. I was living my frame. That’s all I want to do right now. Live in uncaputured photographs.