Truth Hurts

Wifey says, “Nobody ever told me a lie that hurt my feelings.”  Well…this week I had lunch with CR and we were talking about how he learns so much about himself by dating.  My roommate, Albi, said the same thing.  I, however, hate the whole concept.  So CR says, “So what do you expect? For love to just find you?”  To which I said, “Yup.”  It went on like this:

CR: But you have to be open to it. 

Jess: What does that even mean, ‘be open to it’

CR: you have to be open to exploring something with someone, and you have to have inviting energy…a boyfriend or husband isn’t just going to show up, you know? 

JW: *makes face* 

CR: what is THAT face about?  Oh I get it…you’re afraid of commitment. 

JW: I’m not afraid of it…I just don’t like it…or no, I like it so much that I have to really take my time in deciding to do it, you know? 

Later that day I got to thinking about being open to commitment.  My friend EmJ told me recently that I need to let some of my walls down which took my by surprise because I honestly feel more open than ever.  And its true, I likely am but that does not mean that there aren’t still some walls up.  E once asked me (rather abruptly) “Why are you afraid of love?” It really rubs me raw when people associate me with being fearful about a thing.  I thought about that question for years and have come up with many answers to it, none of which are relevant right now.  So I take CR (and really E)’s question to the table now and ask myself, what is it about love and committing that makes me so uncomfortable?

To answer that…another conversation.  CR asked a group of us whether he should call or text this girl he was thinking about asking on a date.  Everyone said text except me.  He asked me why I said to call and I told him that I expect a guy who wants to get to know me and is serious about it to step his game up and make a phone call.  He said, “You have high expectations anyway, you want like grand gestures.”  We laughed it off but then I remembered the conversation that night with Deeds.  Do I expect for guys to make a grand gesture to prove they like me, or am I expecting for guys to make a grand gesture to prove I’m worth one?  Maybe its a little bit of both (I can’t lie).  What girl doesn’t like feeling like she is a treasure???   There’s nothing (really) wrong with that, right?  And yes, I want a guy to pick up the phone. Yes I want him to ask me out, no I won’t be asking him, yes he should offer to drive, and pay.  Call me crazy, or Southern, but I do expect those things.  I know, I know “reap expectation, sow disappointment,” but honestly I am not budging on effort.  I just need to see some thought went into it, that’s all.

So…am I afraid of commitment? No.  Am I afraid of committing to the wrong guy? Yes. So I’ll take my time and be cautious in like but wrecklessly abandoned in love.  That’s just how I prefer to operate.


P.S.–Getting your Ph.D is hard. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.


4 thoughts on “Truth Hurts

  1. I don’t think you are crazy. People usually end up finding someone when they are not actively looking.

    You have to ask yourself why I nature do the males have a the pretty features (manes and feathers for some species) its to prove to the females that they are worth taking a chance on; not the other way around.

  2. No, ma’am…you are not crazy. Southern, YES! (me, too!)

    First of all, let me affirm you: A woman who knows her worth has high expectations, And when she consistently receives what she expects, she relaxes – knowing that the man giving the gestures also knows her worth. To me, this proves that he is looking for a woman he can commit to – one that has the potential to be a treasure to him. If he isn’t willing to put in the effort it takes…then getting into a relationship with him is going to be disappointing for her. He will figure that if she’ll accept his half-assed way of doing things while getting to know him, why should he change after getting fully involved with her?
    And speaking of half-assed…when did making a phone call, asking for a FIRST date, become a “grand gesture?” Call me old-fashioned, but I am not accepting a first, second or third date with anyone who sends me a text. A man who is interested in you enough to want a date should WANT to hear your voice, and let you hear the sincerity and interest in his. Text me AFTER getting to know me a bit…send me a text that says “thinking of you” or “I enjoyed spending time with you” But don’t ask me out on a first date like that. But that’s just me. LOL….getting off soapbox now…

    By the way, I didn’t get married until I was 28. My husband saw me at a friend’s wedding and went home and wrote me a beautiful snail-mail letter on nice stationery…asking me for permission to call me. We talked for 5 hours on our first call. We’ve been married 12 years.

    1. Say THAT! I definitely want a guy to call, send flowers for no reason, leave small notes…just little things. Not all the time but every once in a while. I just like effort to be shown and for him to understand what a great thing he has in me (and I in him). Simple things, right?
      And yeah, I’m going to be at least 30 something before I get married but I’m okay with that, until I get what I want I’ll be happily single “doing me” as the young folks say haha

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