Wifey says, “Nobody ever told me a lie that hurt my feelings.” Well…this week I had lunch with CR and we were talking about how he learns so much about himself by dating. My roommate, Albi, said the same thing. I, however, hate the whole concept. So CR says, “So what do you expect? For love to just find you?” To which I said, “Yup.” It went on like this:
CR: But you have to be open to it.
Jess: What does that even mean, ‘be open to it’
CR: you have to be open to exploring something with someone, and you have to have inviting energy…a boyfriend or husband isn’t just going to show up, you know?
JW: *makes face*
CR: what is THAT face about? Oh I get it…you’re afraid of commitment.
JW: I’m not afraid of it…I just don’t like it…or no, I like it so much that I have to really take my time in deciding to do it, you know?
Later that day I got to thinking about being open to commitment. My friend EmJ told me recently that I need to let some of my walls down which took my by surprise because I honestly feel more open than ever. And its true, I likely am but that does not mean that there aren’t still some walls up. E once asked me (rather abruptly) “Why are you afraid of love?” It really rubs me raw when people associate me with being fearful about a thing. I thought about that question for years and have come up with many answers to it, none of which are relevant right now. So I take CR (and really E)’s question to the table now and ask myself, what is it about love and committing that makes me so uncomfortable?
To answer that…another conversation. CR asked a group of us whether he should call or text this girl he was thinking about asking on a date. Everyone said text except me. He asked me why I said to call and I told him that I expect a guy who wants to get to know me and is serious about it to step his game up and make a phone call. He said, “You have high expectations anyway, you want like grand gestures.” We laughed it off but then I remembered the conversation that night with Deeds. Do I expect for guys to make a grand gesture to prove they like me, or am I expecting for guys to make a grand gesture to prove I’m worth one? Maybe its a little bit of both (I can’t lie). What girl doesn’t like feeling like she is a treasure??? There’s nothing (really) wrong with that, right? And yes, I want a guy to pick up the phone. Yes I want him to ask me out, no I won’t be asking him, yes he should offer to drive, and pay. Call me crazy, or Southern, but I do expect those things. I know, I know “reap expectation, sow disappointment,” but honestly I am not budging on effort. I just need to see some thought went into it, that’s all.
So…am I afraid of commitment? No. Am I afraid of committing to the wrong guy? Yes. So I’ll take my time and be cautious in like but wrecklessly abandoned in love. That’s just how I prefer to operate.
P.S.–Getting your Ph.D is hard. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.