Who am I to you?

I’m typing this post with my eyes closed.  Literally I’m laying down on my bed head on my pillow, eyes closed letting another kind of sight be the medium of guidance.  SO please forgive any typos in advance.  I wondered tonight, how it is exactly that people see me?  Okay, here’s why I asked…

I was apprehensive in class to speak up anymore after last week someone made the comment that they always put currency (value) in what I have to say and a few people agreed with her.  After class I had a few people come up to me privately and say that they appreciate my comments for varying reasons and me being me…I am completely uncomfortable and sort of….hold the compliments in my mouth, jaws swollen and tight but I’m unable to swallow them.  Once I was alone in the comfort of my own company, I quickly spit it back out.  Not, however, in disgust.  Moreso in an effort to remain humble and delightfully aloof of any “influence” I may have on people moving forward.  I didn’t want to attach myself to that.  I didn’t want to digest that.  So I spit it out.   Fast forward to this week.  It was on my heart to share a quote with the group.  Ironically this quote came to me on three separate occasions to share with the group and I promised myself I would only share it if it fit–well the chance arose so I shared.  Afterwards one of the TAs remarked that the presence of our professor who was absent this week was in fact present in me.  Cue face getting extremely hot.  I mumbled a quick and sarcastic “great” the next thing that was pointed out was that because of my position behind a certain light in front of  a column I appeared to be beneath a halo of some sort.  Great thick, rich symbolism.

Rewind to a conversation I had with my coworker earlier today.  I explained to her how I see people, the colors, and I told her that my only experience with people who have had white light have been 1) the healer and 2) a client of mine.  I lied. Sort of, I omitted myself.  I am not sure why at the time I did that, perhaps because I am a spectrum of color, gold core with white at my poles.  But I do not know what any of it means so does it even matter that I omitted myself from the explanation of how I see people?  What does it matter that we all have colors if I don’t know what they mean? UGH that voice just said “but of course you know what they mean,” and of course I do.  The point is, this image of a halo…my white light…how do people really see me?  How do I see myself? Is it the same, and if not are both valid? Sometimes I get the feeling that I represent a lighthouse when others may think I am a life vest even when for me I am the one drowning or lost at sea.  Where is my level of attachment ?

As I lay here with my eyes closed, typing and praying that all this time my fingers were in fact on the home row keys, I am wondering what is it about me that seems to be so live and active lately for other people.  While I do believe I am an exceptional person, I feel as though I am truly at best just holdign a lot of things for a lot of people.  Or maybe I’m just sleepy…

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