The quote “when I look at you, I see myself,” seems to be haunting me in beautiful ways. There’s this theory that some people subscribe to that everything in our lives serves as a mirror; our environment is reflecting bits of self back at us. I love it when you sit squarely in front of your mirror (whatever it happens to be at that time) and can look at yourself and see the bit of yourself being shown. To own that reflection and say, “That is me.” Even harder, to love it.
In class tonight it happened that I got to sit squarely in front of the mirror. I got to look at a classmate and see those feelings of inferiority, of needing validation, of inaccurate self-appraisal, I got to look at this classmate and speak to her (but really to that part of myself that I see in her). It was curious that I did not hesitate in my thinking. There was not a point in which I asked, “should I say something?” or “should I call attention to this?” I am thinking back now and wondering if it was I felt particularly close with this classmate, or what it was and if I must put a name on it, I will say it was ownership and then disownership. It’s a bit like Alice…
Caterpillar: Who… are… you?
Alice: Why, I hardly know, sir. I’ve changed so much since this morning, you see…
Caterpillar: No, I do not see, explain yourself.
Alice: I’m afraid I can’t explain myself, you see, because I’m not myself, you know.
Caterpillar: I do not know.
Alice: I can’t put it any more clearly, sir, because it isn’t clear to me.
In those moments, you’re not yourself. In those moments when you recognize the connection between you and another person you are bigger than you. In those moments you are your spiritual Self which is so much bigger than your self ( your ego self–the things you identify as ((mother, sister, daughter,wife, student, etc)). So how does this relate to me? You know how a few posts ago I mentioned my omission of my color. Not yet ready to accept and own that part of myself until tonight, I omitted it. In seeing that person who believe she is not good enough I wanted to not help her, I wanted to heal her (me). It was perhaps the first time I could appreciate my gift of knowing, of listening, and of care. I spoke to my classmate as the wise Self to the crying, bare naked self who now felt exposed and vulnerable. And just as my classmate knew, I knew that this news however hurtful it was, would not break me. I have white light just like the other two healers. I saw the healer in my Self. I saw her and I yielded to her.
I find myself very appreciative for the group of women I am fortunate to be surrounded by in my small group for class. We are something of a spectrum, and every week I find a different lesson and a different reason to be grateful. I want to be closer to them, to understand them and for them to understand me. It is a curious thing to want to be seen, a curious and very new thing. I wonder what is it about them that frees me, or maybe a better question is what in me feels so free around these women? I am not sure, nor do I want to really know the answer. I will just indulge the yearning. I’ll invite them to this place, my haven and my sanctuary.
I also want to figure out the colors…one website says this of my coloring (if in fact it is auras that I see):
GOLD AURA COLOR: The color of enlightenment and divine protection. When seen within the aura, it says that the person is being guided by their highest good. It is divine guidance. Protection, wisdom, inner knowledge, spiritual mind, intuitive thinker.
WHITE AURA COLOR: Reflects other energy. A pure state of light. Often represents a new, not yet designated energy in the aura. Spiritual, etheric and non-physical qualities, transcendent, higher dimensions. Purity and truth; angelic qualities.
To be clear, My color is white with a golden yellow core (core meaning lower abdomen area).
The findings of this could be a whole new post, but what I’ll say is this: I am happy with those interpretations but the thing that comes to me is responsibility. Spiritual responsibility, I’m bound to it more than any other thing. But then you know, as I come to these conclusions and revelations I always feel so much closer to it. It–the universe, God, the great spirit, whatever name you put to it. My body is humming right now with truth recognition. Despite it being 1am biological clock time. I feel this truth and this movement to speak it. I am white light. And I want to not be afraid to say that anymore, she says as her hands tremble across the keyboard. I am white light and I am dynamic.