Clean(er)

I took this picture tonight. Just me. My hair was in rollers.  I only had on “Hope in a jar” moisturizer and Bonne Belle pink lemonade chapstick and I look at this picture and just feel beautiful.  I wondered as I got into the shower if people see me as I see myself (and vice versa).  The thought came at a reflection of my yesterday.  I was in the bathroom at a club, my make up had worn off not that I was wearing much anyway, and my hair was wild and crazy.  I’d had to get ready in like 5 minutes so I literally stuck my head under the shower fluffed and went.  Most naturals would agree that a wash-and-go is rarely ever that but for me last night, it was.  So here I am, in the club, wild and free and a nearly nude face.  I splashed water on my face and in my hair to fight the frizz and I was drying my face with a paper towel when a woman came up to me and said, “You are so amazingly adorable. Wow!” I told her thank you and it made me go look again in the mirror to try and get a glimpse of what she saw.

A few days ago I got a dress in the mail that I’d ordered to wear for New Years.  Its definitely a club dress (aka short, tight, black, and attention seeking).  I am normally not the type to wear the short/tight outfit but I figure for NYE I would/could make an exception.  I wrestled with the idea as I showered, holding the thought of my adorable self right up next to the constant fear of being seen.  I thought, maybe that dress can wait.  Maybe when I go to Vegas with the girls (and lose a few more lbs) I thought. But lets be honest, the dress is what it is. I knew that when I bought it.  I always conduct myself with class and dignity so I’m going to wear it.  I’m going to make sure I’m comfortable, but not stuck in comfort if that makes sense.  I want to take time everyday to reassure myself.  To affirm myself.  To look in the mirror and see adorable me.  Not the junk that I’ve been made to believe about myself but quality time with self.  Even if it only happens in a glimpse.

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One thought on “Clean(er)

  1. Lovely. I wonder the same thing about what other people see. I still have times where I don’t feel sure of myself until someone else validates me. It’s usually a factor of how I’m feeling in general, you know? If I feel a mess on the inside, then I feel a mess on the outside.

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