I think maybe I was made wrong. Because I feel so much. I cry whenever I feel sadness, which would be all the time if I didn’t protect myself. I want to love too much, Lord, and I don’t know if I can love as much as I want to without hurting. I would take it all. I would because I can.
God, what does it mean that I have foresight? What am I being prepared for that everyone else can wait to experience? Jennifer asked me not to make her cry tonight and it took every effort to honor her wish. I had to tell her that it never goes away, that shadow. It is patient and will wait for you to be vulnerable but she must ignore it and choose you. You. Everytime, you.
God, I’m fighting a war armed with a bullseye and a blindfold. It wins everytime because I don’t know the rules, but its killing me. It is KILLING me, lungs full of water–and I just want to breathe.
God I know you made me special. I know you made us all special. I know my tears irrigate deserts of depression and my hearts span is infinite. Love can be sown. I know. I know.