A few weeks ago I went to the doctor. Nothing major, but while I was in the waiting room I was reading O magazine and saw a “What I know for sure” about body image. I quickly skimmed the article but got called back. I very quietly tore the page out of the magazine and stuck it in my bag where it stayed for weeks.
When I finally thought to pull the article out I read it, fully, and I was so happy I stole it. In it contained the following:
Sixteen years ago, when spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson was first on my show to talk about her book A Return to Love , I asked her why she thought I was having such struggles with my weight. She wrote me a letter saying this: “Until you accept the magnitude of your function, your unconscious mind will sabotage any attempt to show your full magnificence. In fact, if you diet and lose weight, your mind will either put the weight back on or trip up in some other area. In order to lose weight on a permanent basis, you want a shift in your belief about who and what you are. This is the miracle you seek.”
I read the yesterday as the stolen article is now taped to my refrigerator and I thought about it. The magnitude of my function…what does that even mean?
Tonight, I watched the movie The Whale Rider–the story about a little girl who proves herself to be a leader when no one expects her to succeed because she is a girl. As a matter of fact, she’s thought to be born a disgrace because her brother died at birth instead of her and her people began to suffer as she grew. Her name was Paikea (pie-kay-ah) and she is the most beautifully written character ever in the history of film. Maybe I’m bias. The first time I saw this movie I cried…and I chalked it up to Pai resembling my sister. But tonight was I watched and cried again this time even harder, I found myself saying to Pai, “nothing is wrong with you…I know what it feels like to wonder what is. Nothing is wrong with you, you are enough.” It was tonight I realized how much Pai resembles me.
I can feel people, their energy, in my body.
I can see things before they happen.
I can see energy around me.
I know when something is wrong.
Admitting that. Saying it outloud with no judgment, and full acceptance that those things are all my truth–that is beginning to acknowledge the full magnitude of my function.
I have a way of talking so that people listen.
I have struggled and overcome just like the next guy, what makes me special? I’ve asked myself this question across the table in a cold, dark interrogation room. I’ve been my own skeptic. I can’t begin to tell you all the things that I am or all the things I am not that make me unique. I can only show it by being me. Unabashedly. Like Paikea.
I’m not sure what the full magnitude of my function is but I know I will never find out by denying my gifts. I must step into them. I must own them, they are mine. I will not make excuses or pretend to believe in consequence. I will not call myself weird or a freak because of my gifts. I will be proud of that which I’ve been blessed with. There is nothing wrong with me.