Yesterday I went shopping with Krae and I happened upon two things that perfectly illustrate where my energy was. The first was the book The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein one of my favorite books from childhood (and adulthood) and the second was a little card that I bought myself (see the picture). A situation arose where P2AD apologized for things that happened in the past. Initially I called to which there was no response and so I sat all day with how I wanted to handle the situation. While I was out I thoroughly enjoyed my day and really didn’t think much about him or his words but when I got back home I realized that I had not shared with anyone this news (something that is rare for me) and then I decided to just respond. Right before I did I remembered these words:
You need an Aleksandr Petrovski so that you know you CAN have it all. He is the only one who can give you enough to know that you don’t need it all. Your values are less complex. You are aware of yourself. Big’s immensity has faded. Aleksandr is bigger, richer, more powerful. You allow Big to be human. He is no longer a force that drives you to insanity. The only power he has is that which you gave him. You find the courage to forgive him, and forgive yourself. You choose his company instead of seeking his validation. You are strong enough to brave him in the place where he once conquered you. Your life belongs to you again.
…or something like that. (The Orangest Moon)
Not to say that P2AD is or was Big but that place…where you choose company over validation and you feel you have stepped into your own I feel like I am there. And in my response I stood up for myself. I felt like that tree, my apples are gone, my branches are gone, my trunk is gone I have nothing left to give you. His response was underwhelming and I realize he was still right where I left him. It was very apparent, in that moment, that there would not be a grand chase in Paris there would be no “It took me a really long time to get here,” revelation, there was only the end.
We’re so over we need a new word for over.
What I found was that I was not devastated at the course of events. I remained just as open, just as peaceful, just as ready for love as I was before the apology. Back to my picture…I love with reckless abandon. I have no desire to be careful with my heart, or even cautious I just want to give and be loved in return like the boy and the tree. I used to joke a lot with Ken about how much she gave in relationships but I admire it. I do not want to be one who holds back and I realize that many of the people I have been involved with have been very emotionally unavailable. Is it too much to expect a man to be at a place in his life where he has acknowledged his “shit” and is not ashamed of it but embraces it? I have no interest in the same old song and dance of waiting for him to be there. I am in no hurry though. So whoever is on the other end of my string *tugs* get it together.