I was talking to a friend of mine’s mom last night at dinner, and we were discussing relationships. My co-worker, Reb mentioned that she thought all men were dogs so if she was going to have a dog he has to be fine and rich. I said that I am not so caught up on looks anymore because I’d already experienced the beautiful jerk. So then my friend’s mom…lets call her DMom asked me about my past relationship and what I’d learned.
Well, I told her all about E and that whole debacle and then I told her about Deeds and she asked if I would ever be in a relationship with either again and I said a very firm, “No,” and in my head I made a distinction between friendly platonic relationship and romantic relationship…both got “no” to the latter, but only Deeds got “no” to being friends as well.
This morning I was discussing Kim and Kourtney take New York with Cleo and she commented on how annoying she thought Kim was, saying that she only felt Kim made up with Khloe was to talk about Kris. I disagreed, and in large part because ever since I read Kim’s open letter I’ve felt very close to this story. I know what its like to feel angry at no one in particularly (but mainly yourself) and to take it out on everyone else, I know the hangover that comes from those intoxicating lies we tell ourselves and I know how hard it is to do what’s right for you no matter what. To say, no…its not you exactly but we just don’t belong together and to feel the need to offer no further explanation.
When I broke up with Deeds…I knew it was several months overdue. I cried but mostly because I was embarrassed at how long I let it go on. He was hurt, and I felt like I hurt him because I knew it wasn’t right and that it hadn’t been right for quite some time. I laid in bed and I remember texting BFFT and telling him what was happening and while I guess it was likely supremely rude of me to do so, we carried on a fairly normal conversation after that which made me laugh and it was probably the biggest indicator that I’d done the right thing. There was no crying after the night when I did it. There was no looking back. Maybe, I thought after my convo with DMom, his purpose was to get me to California as there is no doubt in my mind I’m supposed to be here right now. And if that’s the biggest thing that came from us, then it was worth it. After it was all over I prayed to God that I never be too afraid to let go of something that wasn’t right for me again.
What an odd thing to pray for. I mean, why would we hold on to things that aren’t right for us? Mostly because we think we should want them. We have this picture of ourselves in our head and that person is the type of person who has all the things we hold but don’t desire. When we let go of that picture we can let go of those things. The picture I held for myself was that I was incapable of loving someone properly. So I put up with way too much because everything that went wrong I blamed on myself and my brokenness. When it seeped in that I was not this shattered broken being, then I didn’t need to hold on to that relationship anymore.
So that’s why we can’t ever be friends. At least in my opinion. Because he only knows the me that needed and I am not that person anymore. It’s funny because so many people, and maybe even him would describe me as fiercely independent, but the fact is that during that time I was coming off the roughest time in my life to date and just trying to find center again. I needed a lot.
So will my next be my last? Only time will tell, but I do know the next will not come at the hands of great personal effort. It will just have to happen, kind of accidentally on purpose. Like all the best things do.