Tonight in class my professor spoke about coming face to face with our believed ideology. One might think of it as a test of sorts, but it challenges us to really examine and affirm the things we claim to believe in. She called it a case of Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner. You know, the movie about the open, liberal, accepting white family who is all for civil rights until they are face to face with a black man (Sydney Portier) that is dating their daughter. That’s the test. That’s the challenge–am I as liberal as I thought I was?
I remembered this metaphor five minutes ago in a conversation with myself.
I just finished watching the movie Just Wright and 80% of me was beaming that the best friend type won in the end. Queen Latifah was appreciated for being herself and that a man (a good man) was able to love her for exactly who she was. I must admit that her size and the fact that she is big did not distract from the fact that she was gorgeous and unabashedly the love interest in the movie. She was not frumpy or down on herself. She was radiant! So here I am on my thick girl soap box when I find myself questioning my joy, cynically. How often does that happen? Is it even plausible that a man will see past the weight, the stretch marks, the bad hair days, the messy bedroom, the inability to fry chicken or WHATEVER “deficiency” it is? I hated that as soon as my heart wished for someone to one day love me like that, my head scoffed and said “don’t hold your breath.” So then I had to question myself…here was my Syndey Portier.
I don’t think I can be 100% right now. I want to be, and I believe in love but I think it just takes time to get out of the mindset that I am working from a deficit. It takes time for me to see past my size before I expect anyone else to. God I wish this work were easier. I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and not think something was wrong with me or that some part of me needs fixing. Maybe I’ll buy this movie. As a reminder when I forget.