I spent Saturday afternoon shopping and catching up with RiRi in Orange County. I always enjoy her company and I am unsure if it is our Taurus-ness or what but it feels like we have been friends far longer than the 8 months we have actually know each other. Anyway as we walked the streets of Balboa Island I saw a store front window that had painted canvas with song lyrics. I am sure many other places have done this before, and I am sure I have seen it before but on this particular day it struck me as genius and I told myself that my Sunday would be spent painting.
Saturday night I went out with the cohort for a classmates birthday. Per usual, I had got a bar boyfriend (read: a guy who buys you…and your friends…drinks, dances with you, tells you how pretty you are etc. but is limited to the space of the bar) and I am not sure how I always get them but it never fails. My Saturday night bar boyfriend, however, was special because I told him the truth. See…earlier that day I was talking to RiRi about what to give up (or take on) for Lent. She said, “You know how you hate being the center of attention and speaking up? Maybe you should give that up and take on that attention.” I immediately rejected that idea and thought it to be the last thing I wanted to do. Especially given the fact that it makes me so ridiculously uncomfortable and then I thought–this is not about my comfort this is about spiritual endurance and growth. Truth be known, when I let my fear of being seen or heard consume me then I am denying my light, mySelf. So when the bar boyfriend asked me what brought me to San Diego rather than to just limit it to my usual answer, “School,” I told him, “I moved here in June to pursue my Doctoral degree at the University of San Diego.” To which he was like, “Oh WOW so you’re really smart huh?” And maybe it was the vodka…but I replied, “Yes. I am pretty smart…but tonight I am just kickin it.”
So I sat down to paint my lyrics…I had the border, I had the design I wanted in the colors I wanted and then I couldn’t decide what lyrics to write. So I lit a candle (sidebar: Voluspa candles are the best candles in the world–just ask Kim Kardashian!) and laid on my couch. I thought over my weekend and I went to mindlessly scroll tumblr when I saw something that reminded me of a friend. She had been debating over whether or not to text a guy she likes and she asked my advice. I told her to do whatever she wanted to do. Because she is beautiful and fun and fabulous and some guy is waiting for that kind of honesty and that kind of woman. After I told her that, I felt kind of startled because that was very sound advice. And as my Person later mentioned, very hard advice to take yourself. I knew what to paint.
I thought about my fear. I thought about weight and alcohol and partying, Deeds, P2AD, addictions, school, friends, I thought about all the things that consume and I thought about this line. From The Velvet Rope that place of needing protection, just wanting a boundary between you and everyone and thing else out there especially when you feel so raw. I thought of this line and I felt stronger. I am not in the place but I have been. I know that place and it is a place of continuous consumption. You just keep eating away at (insert vice here) just to feel a fullness that never comes because essentially its not what you’re hungry for.
I have no desire to ever go back to that place but remembering it makes me appreciative of where I am now and of how hard it was to get to a good place. It reminds me of how empty I felt (not was) and how full of mySelf that I feel now. Not in a conceited way but an assured way. I do not see anything wrong with acknowledging the divinity within me and that means knowing I am phenomenal at some things. In feeding my spirit rather than my fear I feel satiated. I feel like the curves in Me are beautiful forget my jeans size, my spirit feels voluptuous.
So now that it is dry my only question is where do I want to hang it?