An unfortunate and inconvenient truth

I do not have a crush.

I do not have time for such things.

I have a 5-page paper due in a few days–small potatoes I know but it is the beginning of my research that will grow into my literature review, so see, no time for a crush.

Its not a crush really.

Really it is just an appreciation for being appreciated.  Or being listened to. Or being adored. Or…

*holds up finger* it is not a crush.

See the thing is all I see is the potential for something else that isn’t going to work.  All I see is a helicopter spiraling out of control and crashing into the ocean.  Poof!

It is just a few nice gestures, nothing that I am not used to. In fact I have grown quite used to them, one might even say that I have grown to expect such things from men.  The thing is I cannot stand what Riri calls “Men with no cojones”.  If you like me the speak up and say so!  Gestures are nice and all, but open up your mouth and say the words. I got the most fucked up message from P2AD when he was trying to apologize, “…and sometimes I care too much about appearances.”  I got it.  I agree, and I got it.  I am not sure if this is that, as a matter of fact I am 200% sure that this is not that, but it isn’t not that either.  Its still a denial.

I suppose I could be accused of the same.

I do not admit the truth and perhaps I am using him as an excuse (and by perhaps I mean most definitely).  *sigh* Its not a crush.  It is….happiness.  Happiness in the company of.

I knew it was *happiness* when I told my Person and then proceeded to find my mind there for the rest of the day.  And the day after that.

*smile*

I’ll tell you what’s nice, to be nothing but yourself.  And to be adored, appreciated, for that?  To be told that you wish every hour could be spent with me just because we make each other laugh?  I think that is worthy of two days of energy.  Even if it is unfortunate. And inconvenient.  And even if we do crash into the ocean.

Okay so you know how you know you have a crush?  You don’t care what it does to you.  Its your greatest secret that you want to share with the world.  And you  save your cutest outfits on the days when you know you’ll see that person.  If you get the pleasure of seeing that person.

It’s just a spark.

It’s not a crush.

It’s not.

 

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