Gifts from Señora

"There's a fire starting in my heart..."

Before I get to the point of this post I need to give a little background.  I once said to Ne the following words, “You know how you meet somebody and you know immediately they’re going to be in your life forever?” I hadn’t felt that way in a while, not since college–not until Ri Ri.  First of all, let me tell you that this girl is my life twin–she gets me and even better, I get her.  And that excites us both.  Probably way more than it should.

We had a day together not too long ago.  A day of lunch, shopping, and sight-seeing around my favorite part of California.  It was right before Lent and we were discussing what to “give up” for it.  She suggested that I give up holding my tongue on things…something I will often do just to keep peace and/or keep the attention off of me.  While I was thinking of the impact it would have on class, who knew that it would have a bigger impact in my non-academic life.

I sent P2AD a message.  I told him the truth.  That he inspired the pursuit of my PhD (and definitely the idea to leave my comfort zone of the south).  I told him that I respected and admired him, I maintain that he is genuinely the most intelligent person I know at least by western standards.  I told him that I loved him.  Because I do.  Maybe not in the way that he wants, but I do.  And for once I could say it without worry of what he would say/feel/think/do/etc.  I just said it.  And then I prepared for no response and oddly enough found myself okay with that.  He responded a day later wishing me well and refusing the credit I gave him, albeit graciously.  We’re not going to rebound from this, and then I got extremely sad.  I want my friend back.  Something that I had to accept may never happen. *sigh* I know, I know…you can’t go home again.  I took a minute to process what was happening and what I was sure was the present truth.  And then I let it go.

Later that evening, E pops up…saying I’ve crossed his mind and bringing up our impending decade of acquaintance.  I was talking to Ne and I moaned, “Where did he pop up from?!” She said, “When did he ever leave?” Valid.  I think of him often. Not intentionally.  Whenever Mariah, or Jill, or Lauryn sings…and there are other times, but the thing is I have come not to expect much from him in the way of honesty and communication.  Something that obviously does not work in any sort of relationship.  For 10 years I have gone back and forth over whether I loved him or not  (I did), over whether he would be the end of this long winding journey through love (he will not), over wanting so badly for these butterflies to just die (they have not).  I have to just accept that he will always be special to me, special…but not right. He said a lot of the same…and I ended by acknowledging how I knew he would disappear.  I told him how I felt and I told him I loved him and always would.  Another truth.  And yet another thing I laid to rest and let go. Even despite the fluttering.

In these two huge and absolutely life shaping relationships I can say that I do love them both (and always will).  I do not believe in the expiration of love.  I also believe that while you may love someone you can hold truths about them (and you as a unit) that solidify how impractical any sort of relationship would be.  I love you but we cannot be friends.  I love you but we cannot be lovers.

I am sure that Ri Ri did not mean to give me such revelations, but she did.  I think that in being honest and one step forward, vocal about my truths, I have been able to move forward and grow immensely.  I have stepped more into my independence (as Jennie named it).  Not only of them, but in general.

Part II

There are not a lot of my friends’ relationships that I look at in any sort of admiration.  Mostly because my friends and I are all vastly different and so what works for them in a relationship would not work for me.  Nevertheless I can look at each and find good, and be happy for all.  However there are a handful that I can look at and say, “I want that.” Two of note are Mags and Nathan, and RiRi and her hubby (who I will leave unnamed).

Though I could easily say that the reason RiRi and her Mr. are on the list because Ri and I are so similar, its not exactly why especially since Mags and I are nothing alike, yet she makes the list as well.  The thing that I can cite for both is loving ease.  Their love (outside looking in, admittedly) looks so comfortable.  Because they feel so at home with one another, you feel immediately at home with them.  A voyeur to the love, you don’t try to figure it out or work it through, it just is. You do not question it.  You take it for magic and leave its secrets unknown.

Being closer to the women in each relationship, I can say with great confidence that both are very particular women.  While both are an absolute joy to be around, I can only imagine what it is like to be on their bad side rather than in their good graces.  And somehow even though I know there are ups and downs  as there are in any relationship I know that the lack of pride (and subsequent preference for peace) is the next thing I admire.  When you don’t want to fight, you don’t care who’s right (err..or you have a partner who doesn’t lol), and you just want to get back into the nook then that’s what you do.

Lastly, and perhaps the most important is the fun.  They know the importance of friends, of family (immediate and extended), of self and of the greater unit.  There seems to be an appropriate balance of all of that, yet you never for a moment forget that they are married to their best friend and that there is still fun to be had.  Marriage is work, but should it feel like work?  I mean…if my career should feel a certain ease and if my friendships should not be tedious, then why the hell should marriage be so much of a task?  The fun has to be there.  And when I think of Mags and Nathan, or Ri and her Mr. I smile, and then I laugh because I can immediately think of something idiotic that has been done/said involving the respective couple.  They are the couples that you want to be around.  I want that.

I guess throughout this process of finding my voice and not being afraid to use it, I can move with greater ease and comfort through my life.  I can more aptly discern what is for me and what is nice…but best left alone.  I can know what I want.  I can verbalize it so that I am not misunderstood or taken for apathetic.  I can be clear.  Perhaps the bets thing is that this voice is not one that speaks from my ego self, but from my heart.  I am not just talking to be heard, its not about that. It is about being in clear alignment with God, with the divinity within and with the things around me.  It is about a union of all that encompasses me.

And for that, I can thank Señora.

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