“When I forget about all the things I fear, hey I’m a pretty lucky guy (today I really realized)” ~The Belle Brigade
I walked out of a meeting to see a friend and classmate of mine who is in the cohort above me. She was talking to the art gallery guard and when she saw me said “Larry this is Jessica, she’s in my program.” He turned to me, smiled and said, “you gonna be a Doctor?” Enter the butterflies. I sputtered out a reply, “well yes. I suppose I am one day.” I admitted to them both that the acknowledgment made me nervous and gave me anxiety. To which Larry said, “better get used to it! Its coming.”
Earlier this week my advisor shared Larry’s sentiments. I told her after looking through job postings it still felt overwhelming to know that at the end of this journey I will qualified to be the director of a center, or a professor of higher education, or a consultant and executive coach, or whatever big kid job I want to pursue. I told her I still felt like a little kid and those all felt like grown up jobs. She said, “you have to get used to new skin.” I’m not who I used to be. And despite the fact that I have made intentional and pragmatic steps to be who I am now, it is still difficult to digest.
I had to write a biography on myself for a professional conference proposal. I had to, in so many words, tell why I am qualified and relevant to present on my given topic. And though my resume is rich and my vita is up to date and voluptuous, when I sit down to compile a biography it never feels like enough…usually. Today as I ended my biography I told myself, “you have done a lot, you should be proud of yourself.” And I was. I am.
I am still evolving and growing and becoming but that doesn’t mean I can’t look at everything I have accomplished and be proud of the place I stand. Elphaba said, “I’m through accepting limits ’cause someone says they’re so…its time to trust my instincts close my eyes and leap. Its time to try defying gravity.” *deep breath*
I’m going to be a Doctor.