I am that I am

I was home laying on the couch confessing things that wouldn’t stay hidden to Cleo and my Person.  Needing desperately to be rid of all the anger and frustration surrounding the situation and wanting to move forward never to cry another hot tear again.  So I decided to watch a special by Wayne Dyer on fulfilling wishes; a not so hidden agenda of my own was to learn how to forgive myself…not just enough to move on but fully.  What I heard, truly heard, him say was a passage from Exodus, I am that I am.  He said we should be careful what we place behind the words I am, because that is God’s name and it desecrates the name of God to place negatives behind it (i.e. I am lazy, I am fat, I am stupid, I am undesireable or whatever lies we tell ourselves).  He then read from Romans 4:17: As it is written: “I have made you a father of many nations.” He is our father in the sight of God, in whom he believed—the God who gives life to the dead and calls into being things that were not. He went on to quote Nevel who said, “Disregard appearances, conditions, in fact all evidence of your senses that deny the fulfillment of your desire. Rest in the assumption that you are already what you want to be, for in that determined assumption you and your Infinite Being are merged in creative unity, and with your Infinite Being all things are possible.” You must assume you are everything that you want to be.  He spoke of the power of imagination and Seeing what we believe (rather than the inverse).  I was absolutely moved by it.  It moved me to tears and I immediately began the practice telling myself “I am healthy.”

Something just took my breath away…as I wrote that last sentence I remembered my last test results from the doctor.  Not one thing was wrong.  Not my blood pressure, not my cholesterol, nothing.  I am healthy.  Why is it that I cannot see or feel it simply because my jeans are an 18 rather than an 8?

I went to wikipedia to look up “I am that I am” this verse this powerful proclimation that stands so important in both the Jewish and Christian faiths, and I saw this:

Ehyeh-Asher-Ehyeh (often contracted in English as “I AM”) is one of the Seven Names of God accorded special care by medieval Jewish tradition.[2] The phrase is also found in other world religious literature, used to describe the Supreme Being, generally referring back to its use in Exodus. The word Ehyeh is considered by many rabbinical scholars to be a first-person derivation of the Tetragrammaton, see for example Yahweh.

Yahweh, the tree, the god the Source from Avatar, the place that I see in my dreams as home and heaven.  The connectedness, and the peace and the giver of all things, I saw her name and it just….*deep breath*

As I type this a woman, Anita, is talking about a near death experience and while suffering from lukemia 80lbs and at the hospital waiting to die she had an experience of god. Of being outside of her body and of feeling free and connected.  I couldn’t help but cry because I know that place.  I am not sure that many people understand what it is like to know that place.  But I know it.  She said that she felt she was given a choice. To go on or to move forward in life without fear.  I feel similarly.  I know that sometimes I faulter and I give in to fear but that day, I remember it so clearly and will never forget it, and I guess that is why fear bothers me so badly.  I feel the need to call it out and shine a light on it. And maybe that is why I am so honest here. Maybe that is why my “book” is so open…and even though I hate the attention I am making myself learn to take it on. It isn’t about me.  It is about doing the work I was called to do.

I am that I am.  I get it.  So much.

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