Ridiculous Love

Carrie Bradshaw said, “…and if you find someone who loves the you that you love? Then that’s just fabulous.” I thought of this quote as I played in my moptop trying to decide what to wear tomorrow. I love right-before-bed-me, I thought.
The me who smells faintly like manoa oil and Shea.
The me who always wears pink lipgloss because my toothpaste makes my lips dry.
The me who sings songs into the mirror and prays my neighbor is a heavy sleeper.
The me who twists up her messy moptop and sleeps in a satin bonnet.

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I remember very clearly in my last relationship how methodical I was when it came to hair and how he saw me. It was my preference that I always be put together. I even retired my staple basketball shorts in favor for more flattering lounge wear. I also remember how exhausting that was.
There is something very exciting to me about turning 28. I am exactly four weeks from my birthday and the closer it gets the more…cemented I feel. “I’m so much prettier when I let it go. I’m so beautiful when I let it go.” Jill got it exactly right. I have let go of a lot. Grudges, anger, frustrations, disappointments, expectations…
One of my old bosses said to me one day, “something happened when I turned 27…I stopped giving a damn. And I’ve given less of a damn every year since then. By the time you reach 40 there are no more to give!” I love her for that because it has been my experience. And so as I move into another year of giving less of a damn I find I love me more. And perhaps before-bed-me is the me that gives less of a damn. She is happy and carefree and ready to dream. Armed only with sweet smells and pink lips. Leaving imagination to fill in all the blanks.
It used to make me weary to sleep with people. Like actually physically rest. And maybe its metaphorical, you can’t share your dreams with just anybody.
So lastly, he has to love the me that has to write every night before bed. Because I love her.

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3 thoughts on “Ridiculous Love

  1. Firstly, let me say that you’re absolutely beautiful!
    Secondly, I’m feeling this post big time because I can relate. The older I get, the less I give a damn and the more I let go grievances. I’m 30 in 4 months and I’m too busy growing and getting my ish together to worry about things of no importance and get bogged down.
    Lastly, that last paragraph is spot on girl!
    Loved the blog. Great job!

  2. For some reason, im unable to leave a comment today but I just had to tell you how much I loved this post. Here’s the comment I was trying to leave:

    I love this post, Jess. So much. Each year I give less of a damn as well and the less baggage I carry, the more beautiful I feel. I love the me that doesnt have to be right all the time, because it wasnt easy to find her. I love the me that prefers to observe & think rather than talk. I love the me who so often feels like I’m on a different wavelength than everyone else…always preoccupied with touchy feely things…slow to get the joke but quick to feel subtle energy shifts in the room.
    And i love the people in my life who know & love these things about me too!

    Thanks for sharing this and triggering a delightful train of thought for me to go to sleep to! Xo

    (From the lovely GG at PeaceLovePrettyThings)

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