I’ve been watching movies all day…Muriel’s wedding…Mamma Mia…Lion King…The Blindside, and currently The Notebook. Blame the bronchitis. In any case, I was just at the scene where Noah takes Allie to the manor for the first time and she tells him she wants a white house with blue shutters, wraparound porch and a painting room. I laughed because of course, this being my umpteenth time seeing this movie, he was taking notes and listening.
Then I remembered the day I got the email. The email with blueprints and a sketch of “our” dream home. With the big kitchen windows I wanted, and the dutch side doors. The open foyer and the inground pool…it was all there. And of course all the things he wanted too. I laughed and told him he couldn’t decorate it without me. I sent it to my mom and showed her and she told me I was playing with fire. Because he loved me, was seriously planning our future while I was spouting girlish dreams and flights of fancy.
That was all before. Before all the drama and everything went all wrong. It struck me as I saw the way Noah looked at Allie, the way he listened and planned…that he hurt me, yes, but I broke his heart far before that. I know how much of my future was shaped by him, but I wonder how much of his was shaped by me. Most of all, though, I wonder why my mind finds itself here so often as of late.