Believing Again

What an interesting morning I’ve had.  I gchatted with G and finally got the chance to catch up with BFFT and what I got out of both of the very different conversations was that there comes a point in your life when you have to be honest with yourself  and where you are and what makes you happy.

I look at BFFT who is way more wonderful than I ever admit out loud.  He is intelligent probably too much so if that is possible, handsome, hilarious, sincere, and kind.  Then of course there are all the practical things…: car (check) job (check) home (check) good credit (check); hey, the older you get the more credit becomes sexy.  Anyway he was telling me a story about how he and his girlfriend (who I love and adore) are starting to make “his house” “their home” and redecorate a bit, which included him coming off the dime and buying wall mirrors, and cutesy gardening attire for her despite his judgement of their impracticality.  I told him he was totally lame and gross, but I think he knew that meant “You’re so sweet its sickening.” There was a point in time where Ty and I were parallel in our rachet thinking and detached emotional being but seeing a change in him kind of makes me wonder about myself.

He told me of the night he knew he really wanted to make it work with Lady T.  And I guess its like the old saying goes, you just know.  And even though I think he fought it a bit in the beginning just because…you get used to being a certain way.  And then you get honest with yourself, and you realize that you’d rather go to Lowe’s and buy weed eaters and azaleas than play the game and go through the bullshit.  I find it amazing that the change happened so quickly.  He may not feel that way, but I do and I still think its wonderful.  They fit each other so well…

Maybe four years ago I was sitting in my closet crying, tell Ty about P2AD and E and how I felt about both and he said to me, “Sometimes its not the person who is perfect for you, its the person who is perfect with you.”  The person who works with you, the person who makes themselves available to you in all those ways that end with -ly (mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc).  I think he got both.  And so through him (and Lady T) I see what is possible.

I see it in NCS and Meech too.  I guess it is nice to look around and be reminded of love’s possibilities.  Even for the Jessicas and Tyrees of the world, there exist some one who makes us softer, and somehow in that stronger.  They make us better.  I am ready to want that again.  I think I am indifferent to it right now (if we’re being honest), but I’ll believe in love again.  I do I think I am just not ready for it right now.  Who knew I’d be excited to be boring…but that’s where all the love is, in the simplicity, in the details, its in the knee pads that match the shovel for the flowers that you plant together on the weekend.


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