There is this picture that I have always liked of myself. Its one from right before my Masters graduation, in my old kitchen. Cleo took it, and I find myself so in love with that photo that I started to wonder why?
It wasn’t until today that I said to myself, it was an ending, a beginning, an orchestrated occasion of labor and love, and most of all it was pure joy at having followed through on a major heart calling.
I was watching Felicity last night and Sally said, The best decisions we ever make are the ones that come from listening to ourselves. After such a tumultuous 2008, I decided to quit work, move, and get back in school for something I didn’t know I loved yet. I threw myself so completely into that work and sorely miss wading in the ocean that is other peoples problems. I imagine that when my family and friends come out to yet another (third and final) graduation in 3 years that the feeling will return again.
On the flip side I believe that Sally’s words are the reason I hate reminiscing on my past relationship. There is a lot of scar tissue there, and mostly because I didn’t listen to myself. There was a point when I was trying to convince myself of something, and it lead to a literal and figurative death. So I am still in mourning. And I use this time to remember what it feels like to live in a fallacy. Funny that I hold two such dichotomous things; yin and yang, sun and moon, life and death.
I just want more of the former. More good. More moments to look back on and feel the joy permeating from the sheer recognition. More bests.