The best I ever had

There is this picture that I have always liked of myself. Its one from right before my Masters graduation, in my old kitchen. Cleo took it, and I find myself so in love with that photo that I started to wonder why?

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It wasn’t until today that I said to myself, it was an ending, a beginning, an orchestrated occasion of labor and love, and most of all it was pure joy at having followed through on a major heart calling.
I was watching Felicity last night and Sally said, The best decisions we ever make are the ones that come from listening to ourselves.  After such a tumultuous 2008, I decided to quit work, move, and get back in school for something I didn’t know I loved yet.  I threw myself so completely into that work and sorely miss wading in the ocean that is other peoples problems. I imagine that when my family and friends come out to yet another (third and final) graduation in 3 years that the feeling will return again.

On the flip side I believe that Sally’s words are the reason I hate reminiscing on my past relationship. There is a lot of scar tissue there, and mostly because I didn’t listen to myself. There was a point when I was trying to convince myself of something, and it lead to a literal and figurative death. So I am still in mourning. And I use this time to remember what it feels like to live in a fallacy. Funny that I hold two such dichotomous things; yin and yang, sun and moon, life and death.

I just want more of the former. More good. More moments to look back on and feel the joy permeating from the sheer recognition. More bests.

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2 thoughts on “The best I ever had

  1. Wow! I could really relate reading this post. I can identify with the scars from not listening to yourself. And that scar, I just wish it would go away and blend in with the rest of my skin. But I guess in time. Its purpose right now is just to remind us never to make the same mistake again but to learn the lessons it has taught us and to grow. We all crave for those good and happy moments and they will come but sometimes we just got to grow thru the rain so that we can appreciate the sunshine when it comes. Keep up writing hun, I really enjoy reading your posts.

    1. I am definitely trying to get used to these scars. You’re right though, they are there as reminders and in time they will just serve as great stories, learning lessons and the like. I like that. And thank you 🙂

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