I absolutely 200% hate money. It is the one thing that always seems to cause issues and regardless of my inevitable sustainability I still hate it. Even when I have it. Last night I had to really meditate on some hard choices. I couldn’t afford to get my passport until a week ago, and as a result wont have it meanwhile my group is ready to book flights which require *ding* passports. I also am, realistically only liquid enough to afford one class this summer while being registered for two. I’ve exhausted myself trying to make it work and I had to really wonder if it was time to let it go?
I felt my Self say to let it go. But my ego felt betrayed, angry, cheated, and did I mention angry? Why is it always money? Why for many years now have I been unable to travel always for the same reason? So I asked, “what is money holding for you?” A question perhaps only a USD SOLES student would ask as Mo and I laughed about just yesterday. I immediately answered, “limits.” I get extremely agitated when I am placed in a box or feel bound and constricted in anyway. I then thought about my thought (something I can thank Terri Monroe for) and saw that I believed money to be a limit. And my ego self was ready to defend that claim, it was the only reason I didn’t study abroad at Tennessee, it cancelled spring breaks, road trips, my inauguration trip, classes, it at one point cost me my father. I have every right to hate money (you can probably guess that each of these was about way more than money). Of course my Self reminds me that as long as I believe it to be a limit (the greatest of limits) then it will continue to be so. Thank you Nicole for your words being so fresh in my mind.
So how do I reconcile what is letting go and what is giving up? I am not sure if I could explain it right now very well but maybe just that letting go is something you do with your head and your heart uplifted. And so, I am letting go of my travel for now. I am carrying conviction in my decision because there is something great to take from it. It is about being honest and present. In my present I cannot afford, read: do not have the resources, to go abroad. And while I like to believe that will not always be the case I have to start with right now. I, too often, think in if-then-whens and that absence from the present moment causes me to misappropriate and squander money frivolously. So, for now I will let it go and begin to work on my beliefs about true infiniteness and remembering that I am always okay I am always taken care of.
Earlier this week I said “we always have the things we want,” and how could I possibly believe that when I wanted so badly to go abroad? Well…two months ago I wanted new jeans. I wanted to get my car fixed for my mom. I wanted to go out to eat (allllllll those times that I did) and really, until I want something more than immediate gratification I believe I will find myself here in this place of betrayal, anger and frustration. I suppose it is true that in order to be something different you must first believe in its possibility. Well…