I have been thinking about getting a third and final tattoo. I’ve thought about the Tao enso, a quote, a dandelion, and most recently a bird. I was thinking about my tattoo as I laid on my couch angry and frustrated.
I was taking deep breaths trying to calm myself down but it seemed like the longer I sat the more angry I became and all because of a craving for Thai food. I knew I’d ordered it before but from where? My internet has been down for two days now with no eta on a solution (mind you the IT guy I spoke with gave me a simple sorry so that makes it better :-|). I couldn’t access my history, my bank statements before march, my account on grub hub, and in my frustration the fact that I even needed a delivery place because I couldn’t go out and just get my own food caused an eruption of epic proportions. At this point I was livid and looking for something to throw–Its a strange thing to be so close to hulk smash yet be so calm in spirit; she knows my frustration needs an outlet.
So I sat on the couch with my hands over my face, shaking and cursing out loud at this situation I keep finding myself in. One of being stuck or trapped. It was then that I remembered my conversation from the weekend and how I had been gifted with freedom. I scoffed and asked out loud “how am I free?” I tried to find ways to see freedom in my life and say thank you (and be sincere about it) but nothing came. So instead my mind wandered…
To friends and how good friends got me to and fro this past weekend and went above and beyond to make my birthday memorable. To tattoos which serve as permanent reminders of things we oft like to cross our minds. To NCS. I thought of how she and Meech plan to get engaged soon and married in 2013. I thought about how excited I am to be a part of her bridal party and help her celebrate her joy. I thought about who might be there and I thought about our old roommate. The one who was once one of my best friends but who now has no real words for me. I mentally and later physically pruned her from my life. I thought about how above all things NCS is gracious and hard-working. She grinds and she is honest about it. I love that about her. And there in my thoughts she helped me find my center again.
I am free because love does that for people, it sets them free and I am nothing else if not loved. I have nothing else if not love. I work hard and the truth is, sometimes you can’t get what you want when you want it, but faith that it is coming will bring it to you. That’s exactly what I needed. And it came from breath. From patience. From grace. And that is the stuff that makes you light and gives you the confidence to spread your wings.