50 Shades

I kind of went back and forth on whether and/or how I wanted to write this post but I think I finally decided on the best way…

I’ve been reading the new pop-culture sensation 50 Shades of Grey trilogy over the past two days and it completely engulfed me.  I know some people argue that its “mom porn” and others argue that its poorly written and yes it does have its flaws, but honestly who cares? It doesn’t detract from the story…and its one I somehow found a little too familiar.

Fear of being vulnerable–is that a fair synopsis of Christian Grey?  Let’s just say that I am well acquainted with men who have/had similar afflictions.  While there was no red room, all the emotional stuff was there.  The thing that I found most curious in learning about Christian (I say this sarcastically because I know Christian Grey) was learning about Ana.  I didn’t really see myself in her and so I wondered how on earth this story felt so kindred.

It wasn’t until…

Can I ask you one more thing?”
“Of course.”
I take a deep breath. “Part of me thinks that if he wasn’t this broken he wouldn’t . . . want me.”
Dr. Flynn’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “That’s a very negative thing to say about yourself, Ana. And frankly it says more about you than it does about Christian. It’s not quite up there with his self-loathing, but I’m surprised by it.”
“Well, look at him . . . and then look at me.”
Dr. Flynn frowns. “I have. I see an attractive young man, and I see an attractive young woman. Ana, why don’t you think of yourself as attractive? (50 Shades Darker)

There it was.  It stung but it was blatant and clear.  I constantly wondered why? Why me?  I remember my mom telling me that I was nearly perfect for P2AD except for the fact that I didn’t look the way he thought I should.  He would later reiterate something similar citing his overly image conscientiousness.  I do not fault him though.  I am not even upset about  it and don’t know that I ever was, really.  It always bothered me with Deeds…our size difference.  I remember E interrogating me, “Does your new guy have the body of a greek god?  You like big guys still right?”  I bit my jaw so hard I could taste the blood in my mouth.  He then, in explicit detail, told me exactly how he could do all the things I wanted…

That image is forever emblazoned in my conscious and whenever I wear a black sundress it returns.   None of them, though, none of my “big three” and certainly none of the minor characters in between got me naked.  Naked like when you can be your whole self, whoever that might be…naked like not being afraid to start a fight even after the most lovely of moments.  Naked like, falling asleep in their arms and waking up to their smile naked.

Free your mind, and listen to your body.

It was something, Jessica, but what was it?  It would cheapen my last relationship to say that it was not love that I was in with Deeds…It feels like such a dense fog though.  It makes me wince to think back on it like it was some long two year bad dream.  The reason for that is because its like looking at myself with old eyes.  I wasn’t all the way okay.  I was still holding so much anger towards my dad, and E, and P2AD and here was a man who was willing to be with me despite all my brokeness.  The thing is, though, that whenever I saw myself through his eyes I always felt that same broken way.  I believe that when I started to feel okay, I started to resent him and the things I tolerated, and consented to (nothing awful, just not things I wish to consent to in my next relationship).  In this way I really envied Ana…because she was well aware that she wanted more and stood her ground far more quickly than I did.

It has been nearly a year since we broke up, and according to Charlotte York, this should be about the time I am over it.  I believe myself to be.  In my heart, I wish him well and all the joy and happiness life can afford.  I also want those things for myself and I want to be able to give myself fully next time.  I looked at myself today and saw so many good things, all the good things.  I saw my whole self and I was pleased.  I do not wish to learn about myself in someone else, I need to know Know myself before hand and I do now.  I am so much better at letting go. I am so much prettier when I do, because I do.  I am not afraid of being alone, I enjoy my own company and even though I sometimes daydream and ask the vastness, “Where is he?” I okay with the fact that he is not here yet.  There must be, I figure, something more I am supposed to learn before he gets here.  My body says that, my heart says it.  My mind wants company and my heart says be your own company, and be hospitable!  I like that.

I love days when the air feels new.

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