My best friends are on the east coast. So when I got all up in my feelings at 8pm left coast time, it was a crap shoot to see who was up. And as I came to hard realizations around 9:30 or 10 I was alone in my vulnerability. So I hit up CR and he stopped by…and I realized something I never knew about myself…
Before I say what that was…let me just be honest with my best here in this very public forum while I still have the guts. I love him, and its just too exhausting to keep up with all the reasons why not. There are 100…but there are 1000 reasons why. The heart wants what it wants and seemingly will not be denied. I think often about the quote “I love love, I don’t care what it does to me.” And I want that. I want to be so fearless in love that I just fall whether it be with a city an outfit or him. So I am making the grand gesture, its my turn. Despite all things. I realize my hesitation has been the uncertainty and here is what I think it comes down to…I saw him as someone who would never hurt me and he did. In the worst way ever, he left. Just like my dad. Even though my Person told me a long time ago he is not my dad, I couldn’t hear it.
They both left and even though they are both in my life again it feels like holding my breath…when is enough going to be enough? When are you going to leave? And Deeds said I tested myself seeing who would stay by pushing everyone and one day soon I will truly ingest that there is nothing wrong with me. That even though I was the only one left standing there, they didn’t leave me Jessica, they just left. What I can say for both is that they are good people. My daddy and my love. They’ve shown me my strength in leaving. They gave me so much character and whether they knew it then or not, they blessed me in absentia.
Now, though, I want him. I want him here…every morning and every night. Laughing, arguing, sitting in silence…the depths to which my soul misses his are just immeasurable. And I know how that sounds, cheesy, grandiose, dramatic, etc. But true. Its like how sometimes you just want your mom to rub your back, and nothing but that feeling will do and you crave it more than chocolate or the winning lottery ticket.
The thing I learned is my fear of being unsafe. And while I kept getting that from dreams and cards and in psychic messages, I couldn’t make sense of it. Tonight I got it.
I love him. Not just as a friend. Its not about falling, I fell a long time ago. I am there. And I think you all knew. Thanks for letting me figure it out.