Making sense of me

I just don’t make sense sometimes.  For example, one of my biggest discomforts is attention, and yet I have a very public blog where I share most intimate thoughts. The irony is rich. Yet in a week seemingly full of exposure, my first inclination is to retreat to my words…which are public. I don’t think I am nearly as coy as I pretend to be. I mean I couldn’t possibly be, otherwise 4 years of journaling would not be accessible with a simple google search.

Moving forward, after a meeting with my advisor I marinated ruminated on something she asked me. We were discussing my results from this leadership assessment survey I took. The end chart should look like a mushroom (big on top, small on bottom) here is mine:

image

What it means is that I’m in the right degree program lol. As we discussed my scores and my feedback something that came up was this loathing I have for attention.  I described to her my experiences in class when the spotlight would be on me and I just wanted it off by any means necessary, and how I foresaw it being a real issue given that I am studying leadership to (duh) be a leader.  I also shared with her this feeling I have that I am being pulled to be more and exceed even my own expectations of myself.

Being honest, I never even thought I would get my Masters let alone be working towards a doctorate. The responsibility I feel to my family, my community, and the world around me is huge! But not exactly daunting…she asked me if it was the responsibility or expectation that made me dislike the attention. I couldn’t pinpoint what it was, then.  Now, though, after consideration it boils down to this: I honestly think its going to leave me lonely.

That sucks to admit. I would like to think that I am someone who is comfortable standing out from the crowd, and in many ways I do and always will…but those ways don’t necessarily isolate me. When you stand as a visionary, however, you often have to be your own pillar. I suppose that divinity plays a huge role in this, but what of others? I don’t like feeling too far removed from the crowd. Even though sometimes I am. I observe, I learn, I get different perspectives, I don’t dare to trust myself enough to fly ahead. And I think there is something to be said of both courses of action. There is even more to be said of a balance between the two.

I realize that when I began opening up to people about my gifts that that would separate me…but it also brought me others who readily understand that world, that work, and that experience. *reminder: the universe is self-sufficient* Jessica, what does it take for you to follow your intuition? Speak up? Be seen? Be heard? Often visceral reactions. In 600 my hands would shake. Or my heart would race, my energy would manifest physiologically. What would it be like to trust myself before it was a physically felt experience? How would my leadership develop as a result?

Funny enough, this is what I want my dissertation to be about. Spirit, intuition, decision making, and catalysts to action.  I want to understand the process, and maybe in that work better understand my own processes.  Perhaps its the seeker in me who wants to Know. My advisor says to be mindful of my career goal when thinking of how and who I want to study this process. I just have this feeling that I am not aiming high enough yet, or that this work as I see it right now is premature. Adopt the pace of nature, her secret is patience. More…that’s what scares me. That’s what has me running for the darkest corner. This beckoning for more of me. It is our light which most frightens us.  Then of course that voice inside says, you have it in you, silly girl, let go. 

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