I got a message from BFFK:
If he is your soul mate then eventually your paths will meet. Just don’t over think or over analyze the timing when it comes. And please don’t do a Kim K! Follow your heart the first time!
Immediately after he told me that we were in a good place right now and we should take things as they come, I wondered how much of that was sincerity and how much was rejection. I hate that. I wish I could have whole-heartedly accepted his words with full knowledge and conviction of their weight and meaning. But I am a doubter; not of him, of myself. Why wasn’t he dying to just drop everything and come to me? What was wrong with me?
It was funny that her words came and I reflected on the path she and her husband have carved, wonderfully committed to one another for nearly 10 years now and married for 1.5, I marvel at their growth and maturity as a couple. Then I look at us, we were so hopeless then, and I loved him impossibly. I really did, its funny to think about even now, but I swore he was my future from day 1. I remember being curled up in my bed, I was in the blue room then, crying what felt like buckets to BFFK on the phone when I had to say goodbye to him. I remembered that feeling again the second time but this time it was me leaving.
I had a dream once. We were at a dinner party and he proposed, it was my perfect Tiffany ring and I was in white, he was in a suit (no tie) and there among our loved ones he proposed. I didn’t answer, but I ran to the bathroom and cried. It was the first time in my life I’d woken up crying. I called E the next day and told him about the dream wondering what it meant. He laughed at the irony that I wouldn’t be over-the-moon to receive the things I always verbalized as my dream. I agonized that maybe I had romanticized a fallacy so much that my dream was preparing me for something else, the one.
Then there was the christmas wedding dream. The one with smells of evergreen and cranberry frost, soft white candle light and a choirs hum. My two bridesmaids, one of which is his sister. I never saw his face, but I remember thinking to myself it couldn’t be who it surely was. I haven’t gone all these years and through all this drama to wind up with the best friend of 14 years.
In waking life, it just makes sense. We make sense, and it doesn’t feel like win or lose or even compromise because on some great level we each want exactly the same thing. The other day he asked if I was shocked he uses his intelligence as a defense. I told him I was shocked he admitted it.
Maybe, I gathered, he’s tired too. Of running so far so fast only to be snapped back magnetically. Is he my future husband? Maybe. There are always other factors besides love and compatibility that influence relationships. But the truth is, I love him even beyond my own understanding. I love him with parts of me unknown, yet, to even my waking self. I don’t know why, but I do. He’s hurt me. He’s left me. He has been mean and reserved and yet…he has been all of the inverse as well. And more often the latter. He hurt me when he was hurting. And I forgive that. I hope he forgives me, as well.
So many things with us go unsaid. Recent events aside, we have a way that is largely silent and stoic. But the sentiments are clear and boisterous, and they even pierce my dreams. This love is inescapable and consuming. I believe that’s exactly what I asked for.