Flip side of the coin

Be present.
Tell the truth.
Let go of the consequences of telling the truth.

I suck at that last one. All I think about are consequences. Which means I’m operating in scenarios of what-if and if-thens, which means I also suck at the 1st one.

In a discussion about vacation activities, I asked P2AD if he would ever white water raft. He said he had. I asked him how it was that rafting down a river was okay, but cliff diving wasn’t? Mind you, I have been dreaming of cliff diving in Jamaica since I was about 10 years old. He proceeded to give me rundown of risks. Insert my eyes glazing over. I responded to his almost scolding caution with, “sometimes your practicality is too sobering.” In those minutes between my declaration and his response I got sad. I felt as though somehow I wasn’t practical enough, why didn’t I think about risk? Why didn’t I consider dangers or heed warnings? I didn’t snap out of that mood until this morning.

I came to the realization that I am simply not a safe player. If its something I want to do, I do it. I largely ignore warnings which is good and bad because it requires me to learn experientially rather than vicariously but it makes the lesson richer. I dream of the fairy tale where you find love and you pursue it feverishly, without hesitation or restraint. I am passionate. If I’m in it, I am 100% in it and I work from my heart. When the heart is involved, there is no stopping it. I am an artist. With a craft that is never perfect only done, and we consume each other in ravenous bliss. That’s, me. I throw it all into the wind.

Then it hit me how he is simply not that person. My person said asking him for any sort of commitment may be big. To me, trying is the passion speaking, for him it may be more complex. I guess in my head if we work for it, and on it, we can work through it.

So what do I do? Do I interrupt the harmony we have been coexisting in? Do I begin our next conversation about what “wanting more” looks like?  And largest question yet, am I prepared to walk away if he is unwilling or unable to try? No…but I’m going to have to get ready. I’m going to have to take a bit of a dive and tell my truth letting go of the consequences I’ve imagined in my mind.

I’m not ready. Not yet.

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