In my confession, I wrote this:
I’m a bit neurotic. I try to be as normal as possible, especially around you because you’re so incredibly normal its almost unnerving. But, I’m not. I over-analyze and obsess and am dramatic to the point of melodrama. Hence the existence of this list at this time in this manner. It felt urgent. As do most things for me.
It does feel urgent. It feels like something must happen immediately. Two days ago my 11 year old sister called me and told me, “I must go to six flags this summer or I will just die” I told him about it and we both laughed at the extreme way she viewed the world, I laughed again when I realized that I was the exact same way. He must choose me now or I will just die! The truth of the matter is, I will be okay and I am more than okay with waiting.
I questioned myself, if you know he is The One *booming voice complete with echo* then why this pressure? Why right now? There is something deep inside of me that is stroking me saying “be patient.” So I am. Even despite the loud incessant ego me that wants what I want when I want it. The pragmatist is the enemy of the hedonist.
I told Brit tonight, I just want to see him and fall asleep. Being the classy lady she is she added, “…and bone.” I truly love my friends. But honestly, I haven’t thought about the sex factor. Not that I am not attracted to him but some things are more intimate to me. Sex is easy in the sense that you can (quite literally) have it with anyone. But you can’t find comfort in everyone. Not everyone will stroke your hair til you drift peacefully into quiet slumber. I find it incredibly intimate to share space with someone and to sleep with them? MAJOR. And that’s all I want right now. I’d give anything for that right now.
I told My Person that I didn’t want to lose him to fear. His or mine. I remain hopeful. I get to go back South to TN next month–sidebar I keep wanting to call Tennessee home mostly because ‘Rocky Top [will] always be home sweet home to me’, but I hope I get to see him. He has things…but I hope that somewhere in those things time can be made for me. I’ve got it so bad.