One year and turning tables

In the wee hours of the morning curled on my loveseat came the admittance of feelings. They felt like bomb going off in my head, I love you *boom* I always thought it would be me and you in the end *boom* You are the only person I could see myself marrying *boom*. Emotional explosion after explosion left my ears ringing and his face hot to the touch. I hid behind my relationship at the time and when he hugged me and left that night it felt like a real goodbye.

A year later almost exactly our tables have turned. I am the one making confessions and putting my cards down face up while he retreats. Only, it seems he is more sacrificial than I. Where he went a year with feeling the way he did and being “just friends” its been a week for me and it hurts too damn bad to continue.

I wish I could paint. Imagine a cliff over a great abyss filled with every color imaginable. Soft colors, pastels and sunsets, and the cliff over it was a being on her knees bowed in child’s pose. The wind beating her back so relentlessly that she begins to erode. If I could paint that’s what I would draw because that is how I feel.

Weeks of silence are worse than any words you might have said. 

I have come to the point that I knew would come, the point where you know you can’t go backwards or stand still. It has to be forward or the journey is over. That’s where I am. No more skirting. No more ignoring. No more silences.

Someday, some One will choose me.

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6 thoughts on “One year and turning tables

  1. Ironically enough, this post encompasses everything I currently feel. It’s crazy when you get to the point where you know there’s no going back, but you fear moving ahead. Not because of what it may bring, but more so, what it could possibly end..but standing still just isn’t an option anymore.

    “boy, crush my heart cover me
    cut me off, make your decision
    rock, paper, scissors
    will it be rock, paper, scissors
    i don’t know what your feeling
    wish i, wish i, had the common sense
    to know better and just walk away
    easier said, harder to do when i still think there’s hope
    for me and you
    always hurts to never be put first
    if i’m last on your list really whats the worth
    keep me in fear asking you questions i don’t wanna hear the answers to”-MF

    1. Standing still is a facade because time marches on…either we march with it or we get left behind (lesson I just learned). Just as in 5 minutes ago lol. I think you follow your heart and trust in it no matter what. When its time to go, we go.

  2. Ugh. I was here recently. It hurts like hell. But the other side, when you’ve said what you needed to and done what you could, even when it doesn’t work out, it’s more sweet than bitter.

    1. I agree. I think once its all out there you can walk away (or forward together) knowing that your air is clear and there’s nothing more you could have done.

  3. “They felt like bomb going off in my head, I love you *boom* I always thought it would be me and you in the end *boom* You are the only person I could see myself marrying *boom*. I just had the image of Carrie talking about Berger dropping bombs on her… Life, it feels, seems to constantly give us bombs. Sometimes they explode into flowers and rainbows and sometimes they blow everything we thought we knew and wanted to pieces. Sometimes the bad follow the good and sometimes vice versa. But no matter what, our show keeps on playing. Reading La’s comment somehow i thought of this gospel song by IDK who( or at least I think its gospel) where they say when you’ve done all you can, you just stand. random lol

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