I was reading today and the book asked a question of me that has sense caused a wildfire: when was the last time you felt safe?
I closed my mind and allowed it to travel through the canals of my recollections and it settled on waking up in my bed at my dad’s house and leaving to go crawl into his bed. This was my ritual until his bed was off limits due to his new wife. Its interesting, I can still conjure his smell and feel the itch of his beard when he hugs me, kisses me and calls me his pumpkin head. Its as vivid as if it happened only seconds ago but surely that can’t be the last time I felt safe?
Yesterday I asked Cre how she knew her husband was the one she wanted to commit herself to for life. She spoke of the gentle ease and peace within the confines of their union. Today as I talked to MV, we discussed the pull of some things (jobs, people, places) and how once we give in to them we find peace in the decision. Could it be that easy? That when you connect with the person you were destined to be with that it is as easy as breathing, and as peaceful as the still?
I remember thinking I need to be different, more open more willing more vulnerable…but maybe (as in undoubtedly) there was a reason why it never worked out before.
Dr. Kim once stated to me…or maybe it was Jeanne I don’t remember, but the question was asked of me what I need protection from. I stared quizzically. (S)he elaborated, you’re not supposed to be overweight, so what do you need protection from?
I tried to ask myself this question today, if I haven’t felt safe in nearly 24 years what on earth do I fear? Easy. Being left. That’s the cold, harsh truth. I like to think I am worth sticking around for, that I am worth fighting for. It was a blow for my dad to get remarried, I think our relationship has been markedly different ever since. It was a blow for P2AD to kick me out of our place in Nashville. Two very different men and situations but emotionally the paths tangle and twist.
Now I find myself at a unique stage, aware of all this. In full knowledge that I have to reassure myself that I am safe, I am protected, and that truthfully when people leave my life particularly men, it is not because there is something wrong with me. I am enough and surely I know that by now?
I said to MV today, “isn’t it funny that we fear things we know we can get through?” Somehow the tiny voice of doubt is more resounding than a life’s showcase of defiance. Surrounded by wonderful friends and family she fears him leaving. Him, whoever he is.
Cre’s words comfort me, the ease. I can be bare, emotionally and spiritually. I can be seen without fear or worry. And if he leaves history dictates that I will survive it. I will thrive and take from it the lesson and I will be right back on on the horse, the champion for true unconditional, naked, effortless, love.