Its 2 o’clock in the morning and I just had a talk with God.
I was feeling down about my weight today. I told J that I really really (this time) wanted to do something about it. I feel like I needed to be heard. No. I did. I needed somebody to hear me and hear how badly it sucks to be here.
I read in my good of birthdays that people born on April. The 21st have trouble asking for help. I agree, but see the thing I have been learning is that when I ask for help it always comes. I thought of an old friend of mine. She has recently lost a significant amount of weight and though I have reached out to her prior to now, I never directly complimented or commended the loss. I think the remarkable thing about her weight loss is that more people see her. Truly see her. I think maybe we don’t want to see such light in bodies that we’ve been taught are unacceptable. Its easier to laugh, mock, crack jokes as if we don’t know the consequence of our cruelty. And I’m not innocent.
The thing you cannot ignore, however, is when someone sees their own light. When they catch wind of how truly powerful they are and refuse to believe any of the so-called truths the world has to offer. When someone has found god in themselves it is absolutely undeniable.
So I wrote to her. Asking her how. Telling her that logistically I knew how, but truly how. And before I even hit send I knew her reply, because I know her. She will attribute it to god, I told myself. I was both frustrated and inticed by this answer that I have yet to be given.
As I got into the shower I turned on pandora and on came Robin Thicke’s “2 the sky” and it was as if my predicted answer was being reiterated. Give yourself to the sky. I felt tears, though my eyes were dry. Some other part of me was weeping. I began to pray through the song. And God said walk with me. Eat with me. Drink with me. Do not leave me out.
My eyes are still wet though not a single tear has fallen. Ask for help. Keep asking. Take all the help you need but know that every face that comes to your aid is a divine one. It is your answered prayer. Do not leave god out.
And while I do not know for sure that she will answer my question to how in that way…I think thats how
if when ever I am asked I will answer. But how? But God.