Truth. Lies. Invictus and taking victories.

What would you be doing if you thought anything was possible? It was the question that Marianne Williamson just tweeted to the masses who follow her. I asked myself. And I thought, rather self righteously, “exactly what I’m doing now.” But it was a lie. I answered again I would be running. That was the truth.

Perhaps not right now, as its midnight here in SoCal, but I think of it every single day. There was a moment earlier in my afternoon where I was laying on my couch, willing myself to wait “5 more minutes” before I fixed a snack hoping upon hope that the 5th minute never came. It didn’t. I’ll take a victory where I can get it. But I was laying and thinking of running and how badly I wanted to go do it. Just be able to jog a few miles and clear my mind, think of nothing and see the city by foot. I remembered my shoes. How badly they hurt my feet, I guess they’ve gotten too small. It felt pitiful, like an excuse. I wouldn’t go anyway…I haven’t, after all. But I want to.

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Why does it feel so insurmountable? Well…let’s start with the fact that I am out of shape. I did about 10 minutes of Jillian Michaels’ 30-day shred and sat down defeated. I talked to a lot of friends and have read a lot of blogs raving about at-home exercise…I get no motivation from it. I think I finally learned that lesson. Its not that I cant do more than 10 minutes, I think its just too easy to give up at home. Home is for peace. Home is for relaxing. Home is for comfort. My thoughts of home and my thoughts of exercise contradict. Its exactly why I don’t work or study at home. I’ll take that lesson.  Home is not the answer.

I silently scrolled through Tumblr asking myself “but how?” And the words “love something more” came to mind. If I believe that I cannot be a runner then that thought, that negativity has conquered me, and last I checked I was unconquerable. More than I feel I can’t, I have to know I can.

Watching Say Yes To the Dress tonight so many women had lost 40-100lbs in an effort to look a certain way for their wedding day but when they looked in the mirror they didn’t feel it. They still felt and saw that girl from before. Its why I am adamant about doing the mental work. Shifting inside out. Changing my frequency.

I can’t believe it, the goal, the 100lbs is bigger than me or bigger than my capabilities. I have to see, visualize, its completion and truly believe it is attainable. How will I look, feel, sound, I have to picture it and hold it. And I have to love that with a passion. I have to literally catch fire with anticipation of its coming into fruition. The truth is what I make it. And the thoughts I have dictate the life I lead. So it has to start there…I have to lose it there first. That’s the only way its going. That’s the only way I run.

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