I woke up this morning with a man in my room. Not physically, but present none the less. It was not in a scary way, it felt as though I was being looked after and before I woke all the way up we had been communicating. My first thought was it was a ghost or an alien. Sounds crazy right? But later on maybe an angel. It was someone I have spoken with before, the conversation was comfortable as if we speak everyday, I woke and looked in the direction of his presence but he was gone. I remember only two things from our conversation. One was to ask for help with a current situation I am facing with school…the other was concerning the importance of morning meditation. I told J about the morning.
I did yoga this morning, and I did pretty well. There is always this struggle between loving yoga and struggling to do what I know I can do…but can’t do because of my size. It’s like feeling free and trapped at the same time, but the good far outweighs the bad. As I walked Lucy, my friends’ dog that I’m pet-sitting, I felt my leg muscles and core tighten and smiled. One day at a time, I reminded myself. One meal at a time, one workout at a time, one day at a time.
Running a quick errand I heard the Extreme song More than words on the radio. I sang along to the words I’ve heard before, many many times prior but it was only today that I Heard them.
Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It’s not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
‘Cause I’d already know
When I woke up to the visitor I told J and I told P2AD, and even as I sent the message I knew it would fall deftly. I think, perhaps, that after all the back and forth, will we won’t we, it boils down to the lyrics in the song. More than words is all you have to do to make it real. And that’s what is missing, for me at least. He doesn’t get me. Doesn’t see me, doesn’t hear me. I need that.
I was sitting doing a spinal twist during yoga and I felt good physically when doubt crept into my mind and the thought “its going to hurt” appeared in the forefront of my mind. I closed my eyes and exhaled and said, “you’re going to be okay, just breathe.” After the session, after the song, after the morning I remembered my mantra:
Breathe. Yield to God, always. Answer with love. Remember your purpose was written, as are all things.
And I let it go. Tied to the string of a bright red balloon were the warnings of possible hurt, the idea of him, and the things I used to believe in. I wrote before about it being a matter of “just”. The simplicity of things that I, we, continually make more difficult than necessary. Oprah tweeted today, “Whatever follows I AM, will come looking for you…” I saved the quote adding, “Thoughts=Energy=Attraction”. When I no longer give power (energy) to certain beliefs (thoughts) then I will not have the souvenirs of that life. Thinking is an action…it is more than words. It is in everything you do and when you do it you don’t have to say it, because its known. I love when the seemingly unrelated find their way into the greater tapestry of learning.