Its 4am and I’ve just woken up for the 3rd night in a row on my couch and had to drag myself into bed. Falling asleep trying to watch the Olympics has been the cause of my bed’s nocturnal loneliness.
This week has been a crazy one. So crazy that all day yesterday I thought about writing and all I knew was the name of this post would be Rollercoaster. Oddly enough when it came time to scribe, it no longer felt appropriate. The events of my week were pretty up and down. I got a scholarship…I lost the condo I thought I was going to be living in…I was happily back home in my own space…I got locked out of my apartment for 3 hours after a full day at work due to a faulty lock…I got an amazing job offer…payday comes and I had no paycheck.
We’ll start from the end; as I sat in payroll while they asked me all sorts of questions and tried to troubleshoot where in the cracks my money was it took all I had in those moments to not cry, not grow frustrated, and to breathe. As I leaned up against the beige wall I remembered the strong desire to slide down and release all the emotion I was feeling. I did not. The fact that not even 24 hours prior I had been offered a teaching position within my university’s counseling department couldn’t escape my thoughts. I
was am so incredibly elated that I could not allow even the lack of a paycheck completely dissolve that joy. I breathed through the pain, and it all got sorted out. At 8 o’clock last night I went out to eat and paid for myself, something I haven’t been able to do in months…
It is such a rare thing for me to brag on myself, or even feel proud of myself. Those things are usually nonexistent for me, although I was extremely proud of completing my Masters degree. I was, however, truly beaming when it was made official that I could teach this fall. I mean here I am, a student (that’s how I see myself) who is 20something with only 1/4 of a doctoral degree to her name and I am getting to teach Graduate students at a 4-year university. That, my friends, is huge. This is not a teaching assistantship. This is an adjunct professorship. It was overwhelmingly wonderful to feel I have something to contribute, and not only that but for the department chair and the students and the dean to agree. I was told, usually we only allow those who hold PhDs teach in the department, but we made an exception because you’re exceptional. Such an amazing compliment.
I am proud of myself.
I am more proud that I feel pride, and not the ugly kind.
I am not so silly to think it is about anything “I” did. To God be the glory.
My advisor, who I really should come up with an alias for…she calls me sunshine. It makes me so happy when she does because I think of my grandmother who has been calling me that since birth. When I told my grandma about it she laughed and said don’t try to replace her. Never.
I bring them up to say, that usually I would need some sort of validation from someone like my advisor or my parents to tell me good job. Or even P2AD. I would always feel a pressure to do well for an audience almost like an Olympian…and await my score from the judges before I celebrated my performance. I suppose, though, there has been a bit of a shift. Borrowed words from one of my favorite blog pieces Tyesia wrote about SATC:
Now, Aleksandr Petrovsky will blindside you if you don’t stay woke. He is a manifestation of the dream. He is prince charming. Aleksandr is what happens when you start to feel yourself again. He is way too good to be true but you have walked through fire and deserve ego stroking, so you eat it all up. Aleksandr is overkill. Way over the top. He makes you wish you hadn’t been praying for his perfection since you were a little girl. You begin to crave simplicity, but convince yourself that you are just too conditioned to misery to enjoy him. You settle. You need an Aleksandr Petrovski so that you know you CAN have it all. He is the only one who can give you enough to know that you don’t need it all. Your values are less complex. You are aware of yourself. Big’s immensity has faded. Aleksandr is bigger, richer, more powerful. You allow Big to be human. He is no longer a force that drives you to insanity. The only power he has is that which you gave him. You find the courage to forgive him, and forgive yourself. You choose his company instead of seeking his validation. You are strong enough to brave him in the place where he once conquered you. Your life belongs to you again.
Its kind of like that. When you’re being offered so much its too arousing to the senses and you hone in on the things you really want. That simplicity is everything. And in that simplicity you don’t make room for expectation, you take every day every moment as it comes. And the guys…the guy…who used to be your judge and jury becomes just another face in the crowd. An old familiar one, but not one that matters in the same way. You’re dancing for you now. Its not about them, or him, or anyone else. This dance is a covenant between you and the wind, the sun, or hell even the rain. No one can take away your joy unless you give it to them. I do believe I am done with that.
And I do believe that’s olympic gold medal worthy.