Salvation from wandering and wondering

You know those relationship non-negotiables? For so many people I know one of those is rooted in religion; they would not marry someone who was not a believer in God.  I never really commented even though I suppose I never really saw myself with someone who held drastically different spiritual views than myself.  It was not until today when talking with NCS that I said with absolute conviction that my future husband has to be rooted in faith.

We were discussing a dysfunctional couple and why they are together when their actions (cheating, lying, etc) suggest that they really are not committed and I told her, “they fill a void in one another and that need gives each a sense of reason and purpose.”  It was then that it hit me just how dangerous it can be to not have these things independent of another person.  I remembered the words of Bishop TD Jakes,

There is nothing sexier than someone who knows WHO they are, WHERE they’re going, and WHAT they were created to do. People who are on point are attractive!

You have to know your purpose, you have to know why you are here.  I do not know anyone who can answer that question with without hinting to a higher power.  When you know yourself, you know God.

There are times in life when things make absolute sense. Having that last thought was one of them.  When NCS told me that not every relationship was like that, of course I knew that…but I told her that I just want honesty in my next/last relationship.  I want it to be honest like the absence of lies, honest. I do not want to lie to myself, I do not want to lie to my partner, I do not want there to be lies in our expectations of one another.  I want it to be honest because as I have recently realized and verbalized, honest living is the best living.

I think about the notion that all women just want to be saved…and I find some piece of truth in it but I challenge that instead of a white knight, it means so much more to be the one who saves yourself.  It feels remarkable to be able to look myself in the mirror and know that I deserve love. Not shards of love, not pieces of it, not loves 1st cousin lust or her brother infactuation…I deserve love. The purest of pure, richest of rich and rarest of rare–unconditional, concentrated, god-like love.

There is great freedom in that knowledge.

Because I can say I know these things, and because I have given them to myself first; I will be able to recognize them when they come from him because they came from Him.


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