I Princeton California?

The first night of Adult Development we took an offering. A gift that symbolized some significant point in our own development. I took my Princeton hoodie, and I explained that while I didn’t go to Princeton, P2AD did and when I wear it I feel love. It reminds me of the point in my life when I made the decision to do everything from love, rather than fear. Ironically that is when I left him. Yesterday we had group projects and one group did a montage (holon) of our gifts. When I tell you everybody was moved…everybody was moved. And many of us were in tears. The thing for me is that I was slow to even get it until I saw the Princeton crest and I thought oh how serendipitous…oh waaaaiiiit. Then it clicked. It was so thoughtful and meant so much that they even remembered our gifts and our stories. One member later explained that she didn’t want to mess up the gifts and she changed mine from the hoodie to the crest but I still got it; oddly enough for me, Princeton emotes love. I was hesitant to share that with P2AD because its not about being in love with him or wanting him or anything like that. And I didn’t want him to think anything deeper into it that what I was offering. I did tell him. He didn’t react much. At least not openly. But I didn’t expect him to. As much as the hoodie is about him, it isn’t. Even when I wasn’t speaking to him I wore it. I probably always will. Love isn’t monopolized by one person, and it can’t be. Thank god. In class last week (I don’t event remember the day, because they all blur together) we had to think of a part of us that is underdeveloped, name the barriers in development, the loss that would come, and then an action plan to develop it. I listed my physical/somatic being as underdeveloped. No surprise here, I can’t seem to get going on this goal… the barriers were time, but not because of my schedule. I found myself telling too much truth lol. When I wake up early I have a bunch of people to talk to because I still live an east coast social life. Before I moved, waking up at 6 to go run is something Janika and I did for months! Now waking up at 6 means people I love are at 9 and can chat with me. Also when I get off work, I come home. And I mostly engaged with those same east coast people. The loss, then, would be that time with the people I love. That hurt so badly to write. The reason it would hurt so much is because at home I have a system of support and feel embedded in it. If we’re talking Kegan, I am in interpersonal and so much of me is defined by my relationships. But the reality is, I left. There is this Plotkin wheel which places late adolescence in the south and early adulthood in the west. The early adulthood phase is called wanderer in the cocoon and is categorized by this idea of leaving home and moving into the unknown. Even though I had read the words before, I wasn’t reading them from a place of me, Jessica. They felt so heavy in my arms this time. I literally moved from the south to the west, I left home, I am surrounded by so much unknown I don’t know which way is up sometimes. I am establishing myself in a career and in a new city. I need to behere. I cannot continue to live in San Diego but not live in San Diego. Much of that tension comes from my social/relational needs. Many of the people I am closest with are in committed relationships here. I am not, and so they don’t have as much free time as a single, and often engage with other couples or really, with each other. I am close with Fenway and Mass Elle, but coordinating our lives is a bit challenging. We’re all balancing a million different things for school. I really think that’s why I was so excited about Sorority X. To give me a homebase again. My plan to overcome my barrier was given to me by a classmate. She said to make working out social. It made me miss M3, terribly, and then think how hard its been to make any kind of quality friend and now I’m supposed to find one to work out with? I will put it out to the universe. I often say that my life is not about me, and I believe that to be true. However, I cannot let my calling to serve be an excuse to neglect myself. I can only give when I am healthy and able. I have to remember that. The best of me is needed. That means prioritizing my health and physical well being. My system is still t(here), but I need to start living in California.

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