Yesterday while I was out shopping for things to furnish my new place I got final feedback from my Adult Development class I just took. I glanced over it but was not in the right frame of mind to truly digest it. Nevertheless, I read what was written and simply thought it was curious. I continued to think on it sporadically until I got home. After I built my bookshelf, hung curtains, rearranged rugs and lamps and closets, I sat down and read it again. In particular these words seem to slice through me like a warm knife through butter:
While from a technical and academic perspective there can be little argument with your work, it seems to me that there is another level available to you that you continue to silence.
My dilemma is that if I acknowledge this work as sufficient for your true capacity then I am also rewarding your propensity to hide out. My deeper concern is that you may continue to fall prey to a persona – perhaps even a false self – that has no doubt served you well thus far but does not honor the depth of capacity that you have.
Anyone who knows me well, especially via this forum knows how poignant this is. I have not been shy in expressing my tendency to “hide out”. Its funny that in most classes, academic programs and universities, this is not a conversation to be had. I am not ignorant to the fact that I do exceptional work; however, I do not work particularly hard at it. When it was clear that my professor saw me, it felt like complete exposure and then a huge sigh of relief. “He” I thought, “is going to hold me to a higher standard.”
I think I even use this space to hide. Though it is a public forum, it always surprises me when someone from my “real life” says they read and then reference something I said. It is far more difficult to have the conversation. My professor later on mentioned academic survival methods. I believe it to be survival methods in general. To be honest, I’ve found most people…
Sidebar, in what I am about to write my Self just started talking to me…I will make that voice bold. Most people don’t really want to have real conversations. Some people do, find them. I know and feel more than I admit to openly as I’ve found doing so can be lonely. You’re eating chocolate for dinner. Being surrounded by unfulfilling people is 1/10th of the comfort of a few select people you truly connect with. Dulling your shine serves no one. There is only so long that even I can operate in such heavy space before the ease of the world is appealing. This is curious. That somehow the world of attachment, and uncertainty is more fortress than the heart. What makes this so?
About 9 or 10 months ago I shared my gifts with Terri. She immediately suggested that I find a community. Her solution for sifting through a true and befitting community for me was to ask. While I found her simple solution to be profound and wonderful, I have yet to follow her advice. However, I am feeling that perhaps now is that time.
What really happens when you throw the shutters open on yourself?