Scared of lonely

I was talking to A last night and admitted to her something I’ve noticed about myself within the last month: I have abandonment issues. Its weird because, I am also an introvert and spent the first 12 years of my life as an only child so being alone is commonplace. However, there is a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. And sometimes one has absolutely nothing to do with the other.

I pulled cards while my person was here. We sat in my floor and I did a spread where 3 out of 5 cards mentioned loneliness, abandonment, isolation, and solitude in various forms. I know that is a fear for me…that if I indulge my talents, my interests, and my passions there will be a divide between myself and the people I love. I realize this is a bit irrational, but its so very true for me. I love closeness.

I’d told my person a few months ago that I think I do want a wedding, just to be surrounded by the love of family and friends. But as I settle into my quietness, I think that comes from a place of…need. A place of needing proof of many things that, I very much want to know regardless of a guest count. Largely, I really want to know myself. Because I think when you know yourself, you don’t need in that same way. Not that all weddings are about that, but for me…its not for the right reasons.

When I think of the things I need to let go of I drill down to the core of one thing: validation. I keep doing things to prove a point of some sort, but to whom? And why is anyone allowed so much control over my attitudes, thoughts, and actions? I believe that if I keep discovering, keep questioning myself, then I can let go of needing affirmation from external sources. I really want to concentrate my efforts on my relationship with the divine, my divinity. Its so easy to lose focus.

I made a promise to myself to begin each day with meditation and to end it with prayer. To treat my body as a sacred vessel, and to remember I am not in need–I am enough. Its interesting…the times that I come to these conclusions are always in times of great uncertainty and physical and/or material depletion. Why does it take a reaping for me to turn inward? That’s the lesson.

I do not want to be afraid to be left because that does not say anything about me. I want to be clear in my knowing that when people leave it is not because of some personal deficiency of mine. I want to make it clear, and I don’t want to be afraid of lonely. I am not being abandoned. Everything and everyone I need is here and never leaves.

Carrie asked Big why they decided to get married and he said, “because we were afraid of what it would mean if we didn’t.” I think that’s so relevant. Its not so much that I’m alone but what does it mean that I am. What does it mean if I don’t find this “one” if I don’t have kids and a home and pottery barn kids rooms? I don’t want to be governed by the what ifs. Nor do I want to entangle my definition and appraisal of self in social norms. Breathe. Yield. Love.

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6 thoughts on “Scared of lonely

  1. “I am not in need–I am enough.I do not want to be afraid to be left because that does not say anything about me. I want to be clear in my knowing that when people leave it is not because of some personal deficiency of mine.”

    When I tell you I shed thug tears. It was real.

  2. I made a promise to myself to begin each day with meditation and to end it with prayer. To treat my body as a sacred vessel, and to remember I am not in need–I am enough.

    I love it! Love to see the introspection and how God reveals the most important wisdom for our lives at just the right time. Love to read your thoughts!

  3. “I am not being abandoned. Everything and everyone I need is here and never leaves.”

    Keep repeating that to yourself. Sometimes, people leave because they have served their purpose in your life. When their presence no longer serves you, they retreat to some other cosmic purpose (whether willingly or unwillingly). Life just draws them out. We don’t perceive it in this way oftentimes, but that is the truth of the matter. But most importantly, I think, is that people leave to make room. Room for what? Only you will be able to tell that. Room for you, perhaps? Maybe you can’t see you because other people are in the way? But everything you need is already within you. And the more assured you are of that, the more love that will be attracted to you, and the less you will care about those societal forms of expectation.

    1. Kim, This is so true. One day at church the bishop said, God can’t stock full shelves. You have to empty the expired to receive the fresh. Very similar to what you’re offering. I have to remember this. Its like I’m hoarding but instead of stuff its people, and alllllllllll their energy.

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