Tonight I was taking a shower after a day of doing all the things. You know, the getting ready for the week things: laundry, sorting clothes, packing my work bag, getting groceries, etc. I was shampooing and I thought quite literally, “I’m chopping this shit off.” I didn’t even bother to detangle it I just showered as normal and when I got out, I found the scissors and I chopped. I didn’t think about how short I would go. I didn’t think about how it would look, I just didn’t want it anymore.
I sent the picture of a pile of hair on my sink to J. She panicked and as I explained to her that I just needed something new she asked what she’d missed in my life. While its been mostly spelled out here…what I feel today is not anger or hurt or resentment–its joy.
Maya said, when you know better, you do better. Today I am better. I was holding on to so much. Holding on to what-ifs in a lot of areas in my life. A few months ago, NCS asked me ARE YOU FEARLESS ENOUGH TO OPEN UP TO HAPPINESS? And while I wanted to answer yes! I wanted to believe that I was and I did not want to acknowledge that I was contributing to my own misery in any way. But I was, and I was tired of it. I was tired and I felt heavy, and burdened. I had to put it down, let it go, and reset.
When I showed LT she asked if I was going through a crisis. I chuckled to myself and considered the question. Am I? If it is a crisis then its the best kind of crisis. Its one where I feel completely liberated. I was so tired of wanting to do things, considering them, writing about them, mulling over them, fantasizing about them…I was ready to GO after them. I was ready to DO them. So, I did. I am starting over and how fitting (J brought to my attention) that I am doing so at the beginning of the quintessential Autumnal month. Big chop #1–October 1, 2012.
It is just hair–it will grow back. Honestly, I am not worried about it. I love the way I look with less than an inch of hair. I love the way I look, period. I feel good. Wonderful actually. I feel like I could do anything I put my mind to. I mean, and can’t I?