There are certain people in my life that I want to be closer to but am not. I was reminded of this yesterday when Crystal and I were talking about Jax, and she mentioned how we both have a way of making people feel close to us despite being extremely guarded. I told her I was trying to work on it (sort of), and I am but sometimes I don’t realize how much I keep people out.
There are other people in my life that…I feel as though if I even touched them I would lose myself in them. Like, we would meld; like physical alchemy. That makes me nervous, so I very intentionally keep those people at bay. My emotions are heightened around them, my sadness is tragedy, but then my joy is euphoria. They are dizzying and intoxicating and it scares me.
Sometimes there are people who want to be close to me, and I know it. I can feel them just wanting to be around me and I can only guess as to why, but because of their need I keep them out. Call it cynicism, call it skepticism, call it trust issues…Its overwhelming and I don’t enjoy the aggressive friend.
The interesting thing is that, each of these people; these people that I actively protect myself against may very well be my soul mates.
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life… ” Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love
I think about it like this, look at how much energy I expend trying to keep these people out, what would happen if I let them in? I feel like it would be too much, but would it? Too much for what? What is the worst that could happen? It makes me second guess my motives, what am I protecting myself from exactly?
Now here is the irony, I get extremely frustrated when people only want to engage with me superficially. I much prefer to have deep conversation about “real” issues. The worst part of that is that it ends. To quote Kanye, that’s the shit I don’t like. When you start to have a conversation that is meaningful it is like that alchemy I mentioned earlier…you begin pouring yourself into this person and when it ends its like an abrupt shattering. At least that is how it feels for me. Hmm..but not always.
There are times when I can talk to my mom about “real” things and we can move on to the less heavy with ease. I can talk to Nama about anything and I never feel that ripping. But the people with whom I never feel torn apart from are few and far between. Of course that could be a total catch-22. If you do not let anyone near you, you cannot expect to be close to anyone.
I think that is what was so startling about Adult Development this summer. I never (never ever in a million years ever, like ever) expected to feel as close to classmates as I did in that class. It totally snuck up on me. I wonder if that’s how it works. That because of
our my own stubbornness things are going to have to sneak up on me. The universe is always conspiring on your behalf. Lol…maybe I am going to be better even despite myself.