Chasing Pavements

It was one of those total fluke pictures that made me look pounds lighter than I actually am. It was kind of alarming to see, because I wasn’t looking for it at the time. Much like Cher from Clueless, I like to photograph my outfits in the morning and judge them based on the photo versus the mirror. I am convinced the mirror can lie. So, the picture was taken and I ended up changing the outfit and thought nothing of it until I went to delete the picture today.

image

Total fluke, right? Anyway it got me to thinking. I sent it to my person and she said Ooh you look skinny! Oddly I winced. I responded, its a fluke! You just saw me. She said “you are not going to be an obese bride.” Seriously, my biggest fear.

I realize that I have a thing. I like for things to appear a certain way. I mean, I like for them to be a certain way too, its not solely about looks…but I prefer put together. I do not think its entirely unhealthy, and I’ve wondered if its about impressing others and to some extent, sure, I guess it is. However, I can say that I feel more at peace when I am in a beautiful space that is intentional and clear. That carries out in nearly everything I do, wardrobe included.

That being said, I looked at this picture and thought about my fear of hills. It was interesting, I’d just written two professors about Avatar: The Last Airbender and so maybe the ideals were fresh on my mind. But I was considering how I met each hill I encounter with trepidation and disdain. That’s the energy I give to earth, and what does that say? What does that do? Throughout my neighborhood there are a few hills and as I’ve considered walking I, of course, consider these hills. I also consider them on campus although I walk up one everyday.

Why do I fear hills? Earth is the opposite of air. It quite literally represents all the things I avoid in life…earth-benders have the most control when their feet are on the ground. We could honestly stop there, I live in the sky in every way. Imagination isnt grounded, its everything but! I can’t relate to this sentiment at.all. Also, earth is solid, enduring, and utilizes neutral jing which requires patience and waiting. Couldn’t be less me. I hate both.

So, I had a talk with myself. I asked if I was going to allow earth to keep me from meeting my goal. I asked if I was going to fear hills or be one. Be one in the sense that I am strong, tall, and immovable.

If you want to move a rock, you have to be like a rock yourself

I have known this before. I have even said this before. I have not, however, felt connected to this before. I’ve not really understood what was meant by being a rock. Or a hill. Or any element of earth. I get it so clearly now, though. Its that kind of clarity that I imagine that limitless pill gave, where things even seemingly unrelated become married and relevant.

I am ready to chase pavements. I am ready to master earth.

post publishing…
I went to upload this post to facebook, as I do every post as of late and I was met with hesitancy. Not at sharing, exactly, I realized a while ago that sharing is powerful and necessary. I was hesitant because I’ve done this before. I’ve made proclamations before and seemed hopeful and yet, remained woefully distant from my fitness goals. So here I was again publishing a post and I was not even sure I believed myself. Major problem.

I am really grateful I caught myself in that thought. Right now, I realize that I am asking myself to believe in the impossible. That is how it feels, to at least some part of me. I have to acknowledge that. I do not, however, have to empower that. I believe in the very best in people and I believe in the very best in myself. So dubious self, I hear you and I respectfully disagree with you. This is not impossible and I intend to prove it.

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4 thoughts on “Chasing Pavements

  1. It came to me just now that I find you so inspiring because we are opposites. If you are an air bender, then I’m earth. A quick look on the Avatar wiki gave me this:

    “Earth is the element of substance.”
    — Iroh to Zuko in “Bitter Work”.
    The key to earthbending is utilizing neutral jing, which involves waiting and listening for the right moment to strike and, when that moment comes, acting decisively. In other words, earthbenders generally endure their enemies’ attacks until the right opportunity to counterattack reveals itself, then strike with unyielding force.

    And there it is. I am by nature unconfrontational but if it’s necessary, I prefer to preserve my energy until the time that confrontation will be the most effective. And when I get angry it’s like a volcano–there will often be minor spurts leading up to a huge explosion.

    But it seems that no matter what your element is, the mind is always the hardest to master. Weight loss is something you have to believe in before it happens. I’m figuring out that more than being thin, I want to be healthy, curvy, sexy, strong. I can be all of those things without losing a whole lot of weight so the only thing that remains is whether I *want* to lose weight or not, and right now I’m not sure. I have been treating my body like it’s temporary and needs to be changed for so long that I’m tired of fighting it. I think that I need to learn how to honor it the same way I do my mind and spirit and maybe things will just fall into place.

    1. “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am,then I can change.” ~ Carl Rogers

      I think you may be right, we are opposites. And perhaps that’s why we e-found one another, to be able to show strength in one another’s weaknesses.

      I think we make things difficult. And because we have so much wrapped up in weight loss or exercise that all those things tied to the act make it insurmountable. But its not, it only is what it is and it can be conquered like anything else; one step at a time.

      Sincerely, Jess

      1. Love that quote! It’s so true. I’m trying to take it one day at a time, and celebrate treating myself well in any way rather than concentrating on when I feel I fall short.

  2. I think there’s something about being twenty-something that makes all goals seem incredibly attainable and incredibly unattainable all at the same time, there is so much freedom at this age, and yet it seems we become barrier to ourselves. I have discussed this with many of my friends, and they all are struggling with motivation in different aspects of their life. Not to say that you aren’t motivated, after all you do more in a day than 10 average people put together, but just so you know, you’re not alone, and there’s always comfort in that.

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