Watching weight and irrational fears

I have a very irrational fear. I realize it is not completely sound or founded on anything rather than its near absolute reality. Consider the following statement by Elizabeth Gilbert from her book Committed:

“The desire to feel chosen. A wedding; a public event that will unequivocally prove to everyone, especially to myself, that I am precious enough to have been selected by somebody forever…What better confirmation of her preciousness could she summon than a ceremony in a beautiful church where she could be regarded by all in attendance as a princess, a virgin, an angel, a treasure beyond rubies? Who could fault her for wanting to know-just once-what that feels like?”

And on this day, my day, the day I marry my life partner, my husband, my love, I have a terrible fear of being a fat bride. Now, I know there are plenty of voluptuous women who make absolutely stunning brides. I just have no desire to be one of them. I suppose it makes sense, I can’t say that I have ever really looked at a thick curvy body and had it resonate. On the flip side, I have not looked at a super svelte body and longed for that either, I love the toned body of an athlete.

But in a wedding dress…its different. Its soft and romantic and sexy! I want to be all that and comfortable. Not that I am getting married anytime soon, but when I see photos of brides…

image

Like this one? I see dark chocolate skin and a woman who is comfortable in in. Yeah, its about the comfort. Its recent for me that I have been supremely uncomfortable in my own skin. I decided to do something about it; I joined weight watchers. I can already tell you that within two days of journaling my food and points it has me thinking.

I was walking today and craving junk and I made myself think of what it would cost me. Not only points wise, but in the long run–I thought of the ugliest white gown I could imagine and saw myself waddling down the aisle. Ridiculous though it may seem, it quelled my craving for french fries immediately.

My person rolls her eyes whenever I mention my FBF (fat bride fear) but I can’t help it. And I don’t think I want to. I want to count my points and go on walks and eventually runs, and I’ll do that until my outside matches my inside.

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6 thoughts on “Watching weight and irrational fears

  1. You would be a beautiful bride at any size! But if you don’t feel good about yourself, there’s no shame in doing what you need to do to get there (in a healthy way of course).

    1. It’s not that I don’t feel good about myself…and its certainly not like I’m about to stroll down anybodys aisle. It’s just the panic I get that I’d be anything less than 100% happy with that day that makes me fearful

  2. Congratulations on joining WW and on your journey to a new lifestyle (i hate the word diet). I completely understand how you feel I joined last year and lost a lot of weight so I can say the program works. I will keep you in my prays and just be kind to yourself during this process.

    1. I have only heard good things about the program, so we’ll see how things turn out. I am going to really try to stick to the program and put in the effort

  3. Rereading this after I’ve set a date for my own wedding and picked out a dress was a very interesting experience.

    I was a little apprehensive at first, because I was told that the gowns typically run 1-2 sizes small and I was afraid that the only selections in my size would be matronly and unflattering. But I had plenty of options and even found a gown I was in love with. It was a bittersweet moment. Bitter, because deep down I was hoping that I’d be 2 or 3 sizes smaller when my big day came, and I didn’t want to look back on those pictures and think “Ugh, I was so fat.” But ultimately, sweet…because when I swept all that aside and looked at myself, I looked like a bride. I didn’t see flabby arms or a pudgy stomach. I saw a striking presence and luscious curves and a bright smile. I saw what Tex sees when he calls me beautiful. And in that moment I finally began letting go of the idea that there has to be less of me for me to be pretty, no qualifiers.

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