Gravity is my favorite John Mayer song because of one line, its wanting more that’s gonna send me to my knees. I have been thinking a lot about excess and as a result, moderation and the idea of what enough is. I was reflecting on my spending habits and how they mirror my eating habits when it occurred to me that I mindlessly over-consume. Not just some things, but in general.
The realization of that made me uneasy. Its what lead me to my closet floor, intoxicated and praying not to wake up. This need to be so full and so numb. When I made that connecting it was, aptly enough, sobering. I knew I needed help…more of that another day.
I found this photo and it matched how I felt. I read today that grace allows for failure and lord knows I have failed time and time again. But I have never fallen from grace. And I have never failed when I surrendered the problem to help beyond my own two hands. When I look at her, heart to heaven bathed in soft sunlight and stroking the breeze, I feel a hunger pain. I want that.
RiRi and I, and later Tre and I discussed the ease of things when they are meant. Its hard to remember sometimes.
We I have just been taught that things are difficult and we I have ingested it. But the my heart is still confused by the notion, it knows better. What does my heart feel…
Like dancing. Like being in sunshine. Like bending and folding into myself not in retreat but in reverence. I want to run. I want to sing. I want to freely express myself in a variety of mediums. I want to color, paint, sculpt beauty. I want to smile with my liver.
Yes, I think it is time to ask for help.