In my last relationship, the crux of it all came down to inadequacy. I believe he never felt “good enough” for me, provisionally speaking. And I never felt “good enough” for him physically speaking. Makes for one hell of a ride when two people have married in the holiest of matrimony their insecurities to the being of others.
I could never assure him enough and he could never affirm me enough which left us both, largely unfulfilled. Looking back, I can see all the cracks in the veneer but at the time you would have been hard pressed to convince me of their existence.
I never really understood what it mean to love yourself first until recently. I tried to think of how I came to be in this place of understanding, but it was not a single isolated event that caused the shift. What each of them boil down to, however, is me bearing my soul. Being honest. Being open. Being vulnerable. Something tells us to whisper, to masks ourselves, that our opinions do not matter and we buy into that because its self-righteous and arrogant to believe we have unyielding power, right?
Lessons from strangers…I read a blog post today that made me remember the butterflies. The writer, a friend of a friend and a former classmate though we never met. And while in my heart of hearts I know the reason (or at least part of the reason) she is now visible in my life has been revealed I wonder what else I stand to learn from her?
I told a student of mine this week that I believe we call it coincidence to make other people feel comfortable. I, for one, do not believe in it. I think things happen according to divine planning and this world is intentional. Even my coming across that post today from “my friend’s friend and former classmate” I thought, this is my sister. But for now she’ll stay at arms length to keep everyone comfortable.
Did I go from being not enough to too much? Am I too audacious? Too open? Too self-assured? Too mystical? Too “out there”? To be honest, maybe so. It hurts your eyes to stare at the sun. Too bright.
And so it goes that cheaters cheat and lovers love because its in our nature. Givers give and dreamers dream, because its who we are. Regardless of whether its “too” for you…its me and that’s really all I can ever be. Anything but just. And now anything but “too”. Not just enough. Enough.