Life delivers the sweetest irony. Just yesterday I was sitting on the edge of a cliff looking down at the ocean. I thought about what would happen should I fall into the water, and mentally I mapped my survival plan out. As I sat there, I took a keychain and wrote “my name” in the rock.
And little did I know I was foreshadowing thoughts of leaping in a very different way, soon to come.
Tonight I was watching Drew Barrymore on Oprah and she discussed her marriage and how she didn’t know why her husband was with a girl like her. And I wrote the following message to my friend: I wanna be myself with someone one day. Thats brave. Its funny because…we hide parts. Or I’ll speak for myself, I’ve hidden parts of myself because (mostly) I’ve felt those parts didn’t have value or didn’t have a place in my relationship. But what kind of relationship can’t create space for all of me? And…how misinformed was I to believe that any part of me was worthless. So moving forward its about the bravery, yes, but also the re-education.
Post-affirmation I closed my eyes and said very clearly that I want to be myself in love, I want to be brave in that way. What does that even look like? To love bravely? To me, I suppose, it means to love in whatever way my heart leads me; unconditionally and by that I mean without conditioning. I want to love in a way that nobody taught me how.
A curious thing was asked of Drew, was everyone you love at your wedding? That, I thought, is what its about. A celebration of love and the people in your wedding…at your wedding are the people rooting for you. They are the people you turn to, and that’s a wedding. If the energy that people bring into your union isn’t as sacred and precious as that love…
In a lot of ways I feel like I’m not yet brave but just the fact that I can appreciate it for what it is…I can look and know how incredible it is to be bare with another being. And one day I want to be brave, because I am a great lover and its only right.