Admittedly, I over consume. I have noticed that I can go from being “full” to “empty” like *snap* that, and I have been working on finding some middle ground. Right now, though, I’m feeling pretty…weird. School is starting and classes already feel too much and the research projects feel too much and a large part of me wants to step away from everything and go lay on a beach somewhere and take a long nap. Of course, that would suffice for about an hour before I was going stir-crazy.
What I suppose I am feeling is very full of things to do, places to be, goals to achieve…but I have lost the joy in it. What am I doing for me, right now? Even the things I typically love to do feel arduous and tiresome. Perhaps its just a day. Or a week. Maybe I am having a week.
The thing that worries me a bit is how unwilling I am to fight to feel better. I am perfectly content, if you will, in this…gray. It’s not like depression. I do not feel consumed with the bad feelings, I do not even feel sad, exactly. I feel everything that’s going on around me I just feel unwilling to be in the battle to make it better. I am somewhere in between complete acceptance that my life, for the next three years will be a bit of a shit show, and surrendering to whatever higher being is going to get me through this process.
My person asked me if I was okay. I told her I will be. I am sure it is just the anticipation of things that lie ahead. In the mean time I will try not to over-consume all the things that ease my anxiety. Over-eating, over-playing, over-loving, over-spending…anything that numbs the now. I’ll try not to quell the anxiety but to stand in it. Really hard when the possibilities for over-consumption are endless.
I looked up at the painting I made with the scarf, blessed by the Dalai Lama draped around it that reads: How empty of me to be so full of you. It reminds me of my various addictions that can be so filling and yet they serve as a reminder of how I hollow myself to make room for them. For them, versus being a vessel for the divine. I am working to change the meaning. I am. When I am full I want to feel full. And yet always the question, but how?