I had gotten so used to singing in a whisper that when the time came to belt out a song I couldn’t remember how. I used my voice as a metaphor…but literally, I had lost the instinctual knowledge of how to be loud. I was walking up to my office to write a paper and since its a holiday weekend and spring break, my building was locked so I had to use the stairwell. Four floors of absolute empty and I got this urge to just sing.
Self: Jess…there is literally no one here, and even if someone heard you, so what?
Jess: I know but…no. I can’t.
Self: You can. And you will, remember?
I asked myself to remember my list of “before I die I want to…”s. I recalled, bold as ever, “sing in public” on the list. I groaned. What is my freaking problem?
Okay…first of all. I don’t have a problem. It is just where I am. I recognize that, but you know how you’ve been knowing something for a really long time and you feel like since you know better you should be doing better? That is what I was feeling. I have known that I have a tendency to silence myself, to hide, to play small. I have been working on doing better about it, but when you stand face to face with yourself in an empty pyramid (of sorts), damn it Jess, you gotta sing!