I was walking in today from getting dinner and I saw a dandelion. My eyes lit up as if I were seeing a rare blooming flower rather than a common garden weed. I plucked it, closed my eyes and blew; sending the desires of my heart into the breeze and out into the universe.
I can’t ever shake the want to go. Maybe its the air in my veins or maybe I used to be a bird, but sometimes I feel like I just gotta get out. Hit the road and discover, sometimes I just feel trapped and long for freedom. Maybe that’s why for years now I’ve wanted to be a runner. I was looking at Mama Laughlin’s instagram and she ran a half marathon this weekend. I stared at her photo until my eyes glazed, and my mind took flight imagining what it might feel like to complete my own half marathon.
So there are three parts. Dreams, the pictures of a heart’s desires. Truths, the ones that have gotten you to where you are, and actions which are obvious. My dream is and has been to become a runner. My truth is I never stick with it. It gets to be so difficult to feel like a failure. To be winded. To have to quit and loathe your body for not being able to do what your heart so desperately wants to. My actions have been to start, and quit. And the cycle invariably begins again. As I reflected this morning and some yesterday I realize that I’ve been so resistant to love. For a number of reasons but none more palatable than guilt. I didn’t believe I deserved it. Because…well because I used affection for validation and it was never going to be enough. I was like a black hole looking for love but unable to even really receive it because I wasn’t willing to give it to myself. Did some unraveling and figured that out too…it was so engrained in me that looking and being a certain way was the only way to be loved, to truly deserve it. And even though I knew differently, I didn’t know differently.
And after the break and after the loss I kept telling the story You knew better. You could have prevented this. But, I have forgiven myself. For staying. For giving in. And for inevitably bringing the hardest heartbreak I have ever suffered on myself.
This morning I prayed for love. Not a partner though if one comes, I would like to be open to it. I prayed for love. To be able to freely give it and freely receive it. Unchained love. Love that circulates. Like air. I have new dreams. Still to be a runner but I do not feel so desperate for it. My worth is not found in worn tennis shoes or instagram pictures in shorts at a finish line. I am worthy because I’m here because I’m breathing.
But I have a dream to be in love with all aspects of my life. To fall in love with more than just a man and more than just a marathon…I want my actions to speak of my forgiveness and my resilience not where I got stuck. Free. To run with butterflies. That is what I blew into the dandelion.