In a mere 7 weeks I leave for Jamaica where I will be for exactly 20 days.  Curb your jealous, I know. I know. But I have issued a challenge for myself. In the days between right now and June 8th I want to lose 20lbs.

First, a story. So a while back I mentioned talking to an old friend about her amazingly spectacular  100+ pound weight loss and I set the same goal for myself. Since that time I never stopped wanting it, but I was never truly committed to the goal. I would start something then quit, start then quit, start then…you get the picture. I do not really diet but I do try to eat well, but if I ate as well as I often allude to eat then I highly doubt I’d have some of these issues. But I digress. I can woman up and speak to it, I love sweets. I do.  I have a thing for ice creams and gelatos, cakes and cookies…sweet stuff is my thing. I also snack at night.  These two things I stared at sternly in the corners of my conscious and said to them, You have to go.

Next, I recognized this irrational discomfort surrounding food preparation. Namely because my roommate is a SUPER healthy eater and sometimes I order pizza…so I would eat down in my room and only when she wasn’t in the kitchen would I venture into the kitchen. I realized one day when I let myself get so hungry that my stomach was beating me up as I waited for her to leave the kitchen that I had an issue.  I was ashamed of what I knew I was going to do. It sounds like a drug addict. I remember this one episode of Private Practice when Shepard had gotten hooked back on pills and in an intervention they made her use in front of everyone. The addictions counselor said, “Oh no you don’t, you do it out here for everyone to see.” It felt kind of like that. Only, I don’t want to shame myself, but I do want to be proud of what I’m putting into my body. I want to openly engage in public displays of affection with my own body.

I knew what needed to be done. I mean who doesn’t? Exercise, eat well, drink water…it’s the things you hear all the time only now I want to do them. I watched my birthday cake disappear piece by piece until I finally threw it out because I knew  I would finish it if it stayed. I bought veggies, quinoa, lean meats like salmon and talapia. I said “No” to salt and said “Hell yes” to a gallon of water a day.

And I ran.

IMG_1095I made up excuse after excuse at 6:00am, 7:00am, 8:00am about why I couldn’t go…it was cold…it was foggy…it was WORK was the true reason. I didn’t want to do it. I went to work and had the kind of day where everyone is annoying you just because they are there. I couldn’t pinpoint where my sour mood was coming from. On top of that, I kept being interrupted by bathroom breaks from this darn gallon of water challenge. So I got home, turned on the TV flopped down on the couch and went to my google reader where I saw this (Mama Laughlin). She wrote:

I was SO TIRED and PISSED that I had to get up so early.
That I had to make those kind of sacrifices to get in my workouts.
I was resentful that I didn’t have enough time in the day.
But you know what I did?
I sucked it up, got up, and got my ass to the gym at 5am.
And the craziest thing happened…. within 10 minutes of sweating I started to feel better.
I wasn’t pissed off anymore and my day instantly turned around.
Being that I was in a similar mood I decided…lets go. So I changed clothes, and went for a run (a very slow run) around my neighborhood. Yes I stopped for breaks. Yes I felt like I wanted to d.i.e. because the last mile was uphill. Yes my lungs ached, and my feet were heavy and sweat dripped, and I’m sure cars were passing me like, “She might as well be walking,” but I did not care. 45 minutes later I was home and I felt amazing. I snapped a picture and I decided that the only way to shed some light on all the truth I have been hiding is to do what I always do….invite love in, invite truth in, write.
So here I am. I want to commit to at least archiving the 7 week journey here…maybe later tonight I will create a separate tab just for my #20byTakeoff challenge. But I welcome new visitors, old familiars, supporters, encouragers, strangers, and loved ones to see the yucky underbelly of what it looks like to start from scratch for the bajillionth time.
For my twitter updates: @PhDubb
For my instagram photos: @PhDubb
It ain’t always gonna be pretty, but I promise it’ll always be the truth.



7 thoughts on “#20byTakeoff

  1. Have you tried protein shakes? I have an AWFUL sweet tooth and one of my friends introduced me to the glorious protein shakes. My favorite is chocolate protein powder, unsweetened vanilla almond milk, strawberries, and banana. A banana split with 250 calories of muscle food? YES PLEASE!

      1. You should! The protein leaves me stuffed and I’ve noticed it doing great things to my body. Not only have I leaned out but I recover much much faster than I have in the past. I like to have one as a snack or as a meal replacement for breakfast.

  2. *standing ovation* Sorry but you’ve got me over here testifying in the comments. Again! LOL

    Jess, I love that you are so open and honest and brave in your writing! Yet again, you’ve spoken a truth that completely resonates with me. It’s true that I want to lose 25lbs for my wedding but it’s more than that. I want to be one of those people who looks forward to exercise because it’s an important form of self-care. I don’t ever want Tex to have to take care of me because I’m bed-ridden by preventable heart disease or diabetes. And I want to be a role model for my kids so that they don’t have issues with food and weight like I did.

    Wishing you the best of luck. I know I’ve had trouble these past 3 years because it took so much out of me just to get through law school that I couldn’t focus on anything else. And now I have the additional challenge of food allergies that nix a lot of the swaps for junk food people normally recommend. But there’s nothing to it but to do it as the saying goes, so I’m gonna buckle down. I look forward to being inspired by your journey!

    1. I have totally had a change of heart about weddings…because I used to be one of those who felt like women needed to damn near kill themselves to be perfect in those pictures and in that white dress. But what I realize was that my idea of “perfect” was thin and that was WRONG. You are already exactly what your husband wants, babe. Dress in love that day. And you’ll be beautiful.

      1. Awww thank you for that. It’s hard to find the balance of being health conscious without chasing that thin ideal. Right now I’m trying to focus simply on eating out less and moving more (even if it’s just a walk and not P90X) and letting things happen naturally rather than obsessing over the scale.

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