Petition to the Universe: Part V–God

Its raining. And I just watched Blue Like Jazz. Filled with an inexplicable something, I searched and found:

“…to be in a relationship with God is to be loved purely and furiously. And a person who thinks himself unlovable cannot be in a relationship with God because he can’t accept who God is; a Being that is love. We learn that we are lovable or unlovable from other people…That is why God tells us so many times to love each other.” ― Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality

And I wept from the very core of me.

God,
I want, more than anything, to be able to lean into you. To forego excuses of doubt and shame, and to speak candidly from my heart, your dwelling place. I want to, in all things, breath first and check my equilibrium to see if the ground is solid. I want to incorporate a pause prior to my actions and reactions; a pause to curb my ego and yield to you.

There are parts of myself I don’t want to look at in the mirror. The part of myself who is fiscally irresponsible. The part of myself that takes a backseat to insecurity in relationships.  The part of me that feels like a fraud everywhere in academia except for in my writing. And I don’t point it out to poke and prod, I point it out to call loves attention to a place in need of healing.

When I read the quote above I wept. Can you love another? I ask myself. Can you love yourself? More than sometimes. Can you love yourself who’s hair isn’t perfect? Can you love yourself who’s thighs touch? Can you love yourself who makes a “B”? are you fiercely determined to love you by any means necessary? Is wanting to be good enough?

I ask of you that you help me learn to celebrate my imperfections—and help me not to see them as such. I want to feel, truly feel, fearfully and wonderfully made. God I don’t know where my life partner is…but if he were to come tomorrow help me to show up to the meeting.

Its raining. And as the earth is cleansed of its toxins and is made clean, and is refreshed allow my spirit to be also.

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2 thoughts on “Petition to the Universe: Part V–God

  1. Weeping tears from my core.
    Too close to home.
    I am struggling with being fully yielded to God…not trusting Him with the intimate needs I cover up with a smile, service, and an encouraging word for others.
    I, too, want to lean in. To press close.
    Why am I so afraid to fully open up to the only One who loves me unconditionally?
    Yes, He already knows my need before I ask.
    But it’s something about the vulnerability of actually bringing it to Him…holding the dark places up to the Light.
    I know He wants that trust from me.
    And I want Him more than anything.

    1. There’s this line in the Mary Mary song “Yesterday” that says, “either I’m gone trust you or I may as well walk away.” And it hits me EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. because I realize when I am stressed/anxious/worried/etc. I am not trusting. And it feels so wrong to believe in an omnipotent god yet not trust the divine timing/way/path. All I can say from one who struggles to the next is that when you notice it, dare yourself to lean in.

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