I was thinking about a quote I saw on Pinterest, it took me to springtime in Paris. I could feel the green beneath my legs as I sit stretched out on the earth, legs crossed at the ankle in cute flats purchased specifically for the occasion. I held my head back and closed my eyes as I faced the sun remembering back to the night when this was dream. I thanked God for the moment and inhaled deeply filling myself with the sweet Parisian air.
I never wanted to visit Paris before the movie. But something about the idea of Hemingway, the Artists hill, music, poetry, and afternoon strolls in pouring rain sold me on the idea. The allure falling in love with ones self is tempting; can a city really teach you to love yourself? I believe that Jamaica showed me all of myself. I now want to spend time becoming intimate with the parts recently unearthed, beginning with confronting a lot of lies.
I told myself all kinds of untruths, some blatant and some implied. Actually most were implied, which made it that much harder to really come to terms with them. The things that I used to believe about myself kept me stuck in a mold of myself that I have already outgrown. I understand that who I am is not what I look like, who I love, or who I call a friend. I know it, and still everyday it is work to erase those old ways of operating, forgiving myself for any scars left behind.
The tricky thing about it all is…when you’ve spent a really (really) long time believing yourself to be unworthy of life’s greatest joys, when its sitting right in front of you ready for the taking, all you can hear in your head is, “Who do you think you are?” It stifles your audacity immediately. But I know something different now. I know that God did not create me for mediocrity. I know that my life is not about almosts and if onlys. I know that the power in my voice is no coincidence, and that–in fact– coincidence is something doubt cooked up to combat blind faith. I used to FEEL bigger than my body, destined for a spectacular life but unsure about the how or why or when. Now, I KNOW my expanse is infinite and realize the value of being open and staying true to Self. I’ve had such an urge to reach out. To write more, be ever more all in, spread my site and share it more openly. I’ve wanted to start working on incorporating my story into that which will be my dissertation. I’ve been “in the lab” so to speak, and wanting to indulge in things that nourish me: meditation, wiring, vision boards, positive programming, books, blogs, and messages that uplift. It is like a high…
There are still things I want. People I want. Places and feelings and events I long to be part of. I think about Aang, when he debated between detaching from Katara or risk being disconnected from the spiritual world. It is really really (really) hard to make that decision. Another lie I’ve had to surrender is that its either/or. For Aang when he made the choice and he chose spirit, love came…after he realized his own potential. I think that’s a good lesson for me right now. First things always first, and that to everything there is a season, and a time and a purpose.
And so Paris…it will be the love letter I write to myself. The one I used to think would come when I was driving that black on black SUV with my hair done in the cute, tailored outfit and strappy stilettos. No, I deserve it now. To me from me. There is all the time in the world for “us” but right now…I choose another kind of love.